Dunkin Donuts is Hiring...

From: Mom

I know you'll find it as an insult, with your college degree and all, and as disappointing as it is, you need to lower your standards right now. YOU NEED A JOB. I've been looking on Craigslist...here is an option. Please consider it and don't get mad. http://cnj.craigslist.org/fbh/1512578388.html
love, mommy

[AD:

Dunkin Donuts (Middlesex county)

Dunkin donut in different locations in middlesex county looking for hordworking, flexible and motivated crew members .Must available over the weekeneds. Competative hourly Pay plus good tips.

If interested please call Jeff 609-xxx-xxxx]

To: Mom
Re:

Why would I be insulted? That's not insulting at all. Jeff only made 8 grammar errors in that two-sentence ad. I will absolutely call him in the morning. Maybe they'll let me clean the bathrooms?

Parking Ticket

From: Mom
To: BW

You got another parking ticket in LA this time for 45.00 on 4/17 at 6730 DeLongpre Ave. at 6:38 PM. Do you remember getting this? Why aren't you answering any of my emails? Do you read the signs?? Did you know I've never received a parking ticket in my entire life? And this is your sixth in the last year?? Love you.

Mom

Mom Loves "The Virgins"

from: mom
to: KL

i remembered that song i was trying to think of.
it was the virgins' "rich girl". ("broken mirror on the bed. he says, so what, he was going to clean it up. then he tells her, 'you don't have to be such an asshole all the time.'")

VOICEMAIL: "your facebook makes you look like a lesbian"

You can find the mp3 here
TAGS ,

STOP SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE FOOT

To: Beth
From: Mom
[Text]

Beth If you want guys to ask you out take OFF your FB profile that you're marrid to Emily! Put up a softer, prettier, more feminine picture that does you true justice! I like your CA party picture! You look cute! Get emily OUT now! put up single like Jen. Is there something I should know? How's the course load coming?


To: Beth
From: Mom
[Text]

Beth What you may have thought was funny is NOT. You are presenting yourself, both in your picture & status as lesbian. Homosexuality may be genetic. Jean's uncle is gay. Get a grip on how you are coming across. If you are interested in men, stop shooting yourself in the foot. You are naive. If this has been up as long as you say, you are chasing men away.

Good One, MOM!

To: Mom
From: Me
Subject: [EMAILS FROM] New comment on BEST OF EFMM: Slutty White Shorts


LOLOLOL!!!
someone responded to an EFMM post (the slutty white shorts one). check it out, mom...

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "BEST OF EFMM: Slutty White Shorts":

Was that mother drunk?


To: Me
From: Mom
Subject: Re:

was "anonymous" not bright?
From: Mom
To: Brit
Subject: hi

Are you all moved? Let me know your new address. Don't forgot to put your names on the mail box. I have your pills. And birthday present. Did you sent the Verizon phone back? Is Steve feeling better? How's work? Do I ask a lot of questions????

Mom

Wedding Review, Love Mom

[Dave=uncle. Leila & Gina= cousins]

From: Mom
To: Brit

Dave got married Sat. and poor Leila was crying all through the ceremony. She's so unhappy that he got remarried. Plus at the reception he made her eat prime rib instead of the chicken fingers that she wanted. He let Gina eat the chicken fingers but not her. Maybe you can IM her or email her and see if she wants to talk about anything. She always looks up to you like a big sister. I hope she doesn't grow up to hate men.

Mom


[Special Thnx to BW for the fabulous emails!]

Halloweenie Mom Package

Card from cat bag Halloweenie package:


Dad's FB Friends (Cont'd)


As I've mentioned before, my Dad has been binge-adding "celebrities" on Facebook. He usually informs the family when they've accepted. A good chunk of these celebrities are usually dead (he was unaware Robert Altman had died, and was disappointed upon this discovery, as he thought it was actually Robert Altman's Facebook page). He has also written on (the real) Bob Saget's wall, in hopes of a response. 

From: Dad
To: Me
TAGS

Re: F Word

To: Mom, Family
Subject: Interview

Just wanted to let you all know....

I have an interview tomorrow to work on the OSCARS as a "Press Guide" (whatever the fuck that is)...this would be SUCH A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.


From: Mom
Re: Interview

good luck, dearie. try not to use the "f" word during the interview. it reflects poorly on your parents.

BEST OF EFMM: Slutty White Shorts

Subject: slutty white shorts and mood swings
From: Mom
To: Me

i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.

another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.

so don't tell me.
TAGS

My Dad's New Facebook Friends

Cute, Dad...

From: Dad
To: Family
Subject: Jeff Garlin confirmed you as a friend on Facebook...

I'm now friends with Jeff Garlin, Elayne Boosler, Tom Dreseen, Wendy Liebman, Bob Saget and many other famous comedians who you never heard of.
I'm thinking of doing my standup act again and talking about all of you. You all better behave -Woo hoo!


From: Bro
To: Family

I don't know how everyone else feels, but I'm just glad he found a purpose again...


From: Dad
To: Family

I'm using that in my act.

I'm also friends with Rob Corddry (Daily show), A. Whitney Brown (wrote for SNL) and Jonathan Katz (created Dr. Katz). Jealous aren't you. I've blown you all away on facebook and I'm 58!
Whoaaa.

One last thing: If you all aren't much nicer to me, I might de-friend you on facebook and only hang with my fellow celebrity comedian friends.


From: Sis
To: Family

Robert Altman died three years ago...but you said he's your FB friend?


From: Dad
To: Family

Yes, I'm friending celebrities who I admire who are both dead and alive. The dead ones don't respond as quickly as the ones who are alive.

A Pre-Thanksgiving Family Request

To: Family
From: Jolie
Subject: Request

I'm putting in a request right now before it's too late (so everyone has enough time to process my request)....
Please don't tell me that I gained weight or that I'm fat at all during the week that you are here. Just wait until December when I'm home.
Is this OK with everyone?


To: Family
From: Dad
Re: Request

I will honor it and request that considering how tough things are this year that we all make a sincere effort to be extraordinarily kind to each other.

Disgarding Puppy Slippers

From: Mom

Subject: oh, you know


darling,


while you were on your mini-vacation i took the liberty of washing your bedding. but while i was in your room, i made the mistake of looking inside your closet. so now my question is: do you think it would be all right and do you think it might be time to discard your once-comfy blue doggie slippers that you've had since, oh i don't know, maybe third grade? i think they're starting to grow penicillin.

love,


mom

Note from Secretary/Mom

This is literally the 3rd email I've gotten this month, regarding an eye exam. I feel like I'm getting a little old for doctors reminders, but my mom insists...Thanks, secretary Shelley.

From: Mom
To: Me

hello. shelley secretary here. (i'm looking for a new line of work.)
according to my records, you are way overdue for an eye exam. there are several doctors you can choose from (unfortunately, none of their exams include toy puppies that light up and move back and forth on a shelf across the room; nor do they offer treasure chest prizes to well-behaved 23-year-olds).
still and all, you're way overdue for an eye exam.
love,
mum

I’m in the greenhouse and don’t want to come up

Note from Peter:
My really boring uncle who is a college professor was over for dinner recently, and decided to fill the uncomfortable silence by lecturing us about Walden Pond. Apparently this pond is in MA and is famous, and because we lived in Boston for four years, really needed to know about it. My phone beeped mid lecture with an email from my mom, who I then realized had been MIA from the conversation for a good amount of time...


From: Mom
To: Peter

And then there was this guy named Walden?

And he was the original hippie?

And he built a hippie cabin and it had a pond and it was called Walden Pond.

Whew.

LOL, OMG
Rate your Professor. I’m in the greenhouse and don’t want to come up.

BEST OF: Before It Finally Petered Out To...

From: Me
Subject: David Sedaris quote
To: Mom

"It often seems that my brother and I were raised in two completely different households. He's eleven years younger than I am, and by the time he reached high school, the rest of us had all left home. When I was young, we weren't allowed to say "shut up," but by the time Paul reached his teens, it had become acceptable to shout, "Shut your motherfucking mouth." The drug laws had changed as well. "No smoking pot" became "No smoking pot in the house," before it finally petered out to "Please don't smoke any pot in the living room."-Me Talk Pretty One Day

From: Mom
Re: David Sedaris quote
To: Me

yeah, well, i still mean it: NO SMOKING - ANYTHING - IN MY CAR. every time i drive my car, everything i'm wearing gets smoked. and i want my clicker back, please.
TAGS

RE: Cat Bag

From: Mom
To: Me
RE: cat bag
so now people think i'm this demented woman who sends her daughter dead leaves in a cat bag. jolie, did you not make a REQUEST for autumn leaves, since you don't have autumn in boring, barren, concrete l.a.? so dad and i walk around newton last sunday, keeping our heads down, peeling only the most special, prettiest leaves off the moist pavement. when we get back home, i spread the leaves all across our dining room table so they can dry overnight (forcing us to eat our meals on the crappy kitchen table). the next morning, i purchase this cute little trick-or-treat cat-face bag and and fill it with the leaves. i send it off to you promptly. no, wait. i send it off to you promptly PRIORITY MAIL. i'm all excited, just knowing this will absolutely cheer up little miss "how are you? not good".
why don't i ever follow my first instinct: scratch the leaf thing; go to the 25% off all corduroy sale at j. jill.
mom.

Cat Bag...


Mom sent me this cat bag filled with leaves. -Jolie

Sassy Texts w/ Dad

Me: I had a dream last night you wore black sequined leggings. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????!!!!

Dad: It mens ur a crzy beatch or u found out bout my part time job

(special thnx to SV)
TAGS ,

Just So Everyone Knows, A Detailed Update

To: Entire Family
From: Mom
(Thanks Erica!)

greetings... for you you know about Erica's surgery... a quick update...

yesterday she had her tonsils out...she is doing fine... as expected she has a really sore throat today... but as an outpatient procedure it went well... She is planning to be back at work on Tuesday. I recommend taking the tonsils out sooner if needed... our doctor never saw the need, but she ended up getting strep throats all the time.... so hopefully this will be the end of that chapter. :)

It's pretty much raining every day in Binghamton....

Kicki
(submitted by Megan)

Me: I hung out with a boy this weekend who's going to law school
Mom: Who ees dis hombre?

Like Mother Like Daughter: Ambien, Plz

I'm having trouble sleeping after work. I work till 4am. So I text my mom this morning at 5am..."I would like a prescription for ambien." She texts me 5 minutes later. "Me, too."


(Thanks KS!!!).

BEST OF EFMM: My Dad & Craigslist

This is one of my favorite emails of all time, that is now a part of our new BEST OF section! Don't forget to check it out.
__________________________
I'm trying to sublet my apartment and my Dad, since it is his BLING, is really pushing it. But I never have luck on Craigslist, especially when trying to sublet an apartment. It's always people who speak in broken english. One guy asked me if his family of 5 could fit in the room. My dad is so persistant with trying to sublet, he's like "what's wrong with that!? Show it tomorrow!"

From: Me
To: Dad
SEE dad, these are the type of people that respond to ads in Allston!
-----Original Message-----
From: yichin
To: Me
Subject: $700 / 1br - 1br UTILITIES INCLUDED! SUBLET ASAP (Allston)

daer there,

I'm interested in your room, can i ask the gender of the two other roommates? and which floor is it? I'm also in hury.

Pls reply me asap.

yichin
____________________________
To: Me
From: Dad

What’s wrong with those questions? I suggest you answer asap and I can be there when you show the apt.

-Dad
TAGS

Family Work Out

To: Me
From: Dad

Oh, and another thing. I realized that we have the Fitness Channel, so every night we're going to put on Gillad Janklowicz and work out with him.


Evil of Cell Phones

To: JB
From: Mom
Subject: Fwd: Cell Phones

Just stick to FB and tweeting. lol.
Love, Mom
_____________________________

Just think of what is happening to all those people who walk around with their cell phone stuck to their ear all day! This is really insane!

Click on the link below to see something you've never seen before....And we put these next to our heads? If you or anyone you know has a cell phone be sure and watch this.

To: Julia
From: Mom
Subject: FW: A child's prayer

A very touching child's prayer

Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad's computer.

Amen

H1N1, etc

To: Meghan, Katie
From: Dad

Just read the article on the Miami College student. Wash your hands a lot,don't share food with anyone and if and as soon as you feel sick, go see a doctor !!!

This N1 flu thing is too real to take out a perfectly healthy college age student !

Otherwise how are you both doing?
Meg when can we set up a Skype season, can it be 3 ways?
Katie, I think were coming up Sat to see your game.
Molly's making us crazy again.
Anyhow that's the news here, wash your hands!

Dad

BEST OF EFMM: THE HONDA

You can now read all of the EFMM favorites on our BEST OF page! This was our very first post!

FROM: MOM
SUBJECT: ITS DISGUSTING

THE INSIDE OF THE HONDA IS. DISGUSTING. EVERYTHING IS DIRTY AND STICKY AND I ALMOST CUT MY HAND ON A PIECE OF GLASS OR PLASTIC ON THE FLOOR IN THE BACK. I AM ACTUALLY ASTONISHED THAT I DIDN'T SEE ANY RODENTS OR ROACHES.

CLEAN IT, LITTLE PIGGIES. (I AM ONLY GRATEFUL THAT POPE JOHN PAUL DIDN'T LIVE TO SEE THE INSIDE OF YOUR HONDA. IT WOULD'VE KILLED HIM)

HEY! I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING BRILLIANT! HOW ABOUT (WAIT, JUST HEAR ME OUT) HOW ABOUT YOU KEEP A GARBAGE BAG IN THE HONDA. WAIT, LET ME FINISH. THEN WHEN YOU OR YOUR FRIENDS HAVE A PIECE OF GARBAGE, YOU CAN PUT IT RIGHT IN THAT BAG, THAT GARBAGE BAG. WOW. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS SOONER.
TAGS

Um...heroin...

To: Amy
From: Mom
Subject: Heroin

Amy,

Yesterday on local news, they said it cost very little to buy heroin and its far stronger than heroin of the 60s, so I just wanted to warn you to hold your drinks and don’t let ANYONE try to convince you to try it or ANY other drug they use and deal- they’re in it for THEMSELVES.

Love,

Mom

Where did you go? (IM convo)

I really love this little IM convo--thanks to Nick for the submission.


(2:31pm)


me: hey mommo


mom: what's up?

I just got back from a DMV trip...had to renew my license but they don't give it to you there anymore, they take your picture, do the vision test and then mail it to you...identity theft precaution


you must have gotten a phone call.

maybe the door bell rang.

maybe you got bored with the dmv story...plausible but unlikely given that it was full of facinating information.


(2:35pm)


maybe you are hungry and eating something.

or maybe like Gerald Ford, you might have been devoured by cannabilistic pygmies roaming Brooklyn....yes...that's probably what happened...rats.

well, I am going out to plant a bunch of perrinials that I bought and I wanted to get them in the ground before it rains..

okay...I'm really signing off...really.....

sigh.
To: Sage
From: Mom

hi, sagey. did you ever receive the book i sent you that you left here (re the starbucks' ceo)? i sent it about a week ago. it helps me if you let me know when you receive stuff i send you, so i can go on with the important things in my life, like rearranging my sock drawer.
love you,
mom.

Sedar Inquiries

From: Mom
To: Me

hi, kids.
we're hosting the seder this year. please let us know which saturday works best for y'all.
jolie will be in l.a. so we will absolutely do a group call. (maybe she can locate the afikoman telepathetically...)

Mom Feels Like Bill Collector

From: Mom
To: ****

hi. i tried to reach you by phone. no answer. (i'm starting to feel like a bill collector...)
what's happening with your job search. are you all set w/loans, june rent, and WORK?
please call (or at least e-mail).
love,
mom.

My Dad and Facebook's "Compare Your Friends"

For awhile my Dad was really into those Facebook "compare and rate your friends" applications. At one point, I remember walking into the room and seeing my Dad on his laptop, rating his Facebook friends (who are mostly my friends).


From: Compare People
To: [Dad]
Subject: Facebook social news for [Dad]

Social News: This Week

Here is what your friends think about...

... your strengths:

#5 most likely to succeed
#5 best scientist
#5 most famous

... your weaknesses:

#24 most athletic
#27 most powerful


From: Dad
Subject: FW: Facebook social news for [Dad]
To: Kids, Mom

FYI, I'm not #5 best scientist! Thought you'd like to know.

Knicks, Obama, Dad

From: Dad

All the knicks voting for Obama, proves bball is the thinking person's sport
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