BEST OF EFMM: THE HONDA

You can now read all of the EFMM favorites on our BEST OF page! This was our very first post!

FROM: MOM
SUBJECT: ITS DISGUSTING

THE INSIDE OF THE HONDA IS. DISGUSTING. EVERYTHING IS DIRTY AND STICKY AND I ALMOST CUT MY HAND ON A PIECE OF GLASS OR PLASTIC ON THE FLOOR IN THE BACK. I AM ACTUALLY ASTONISHED THAT I DIDN'T SEE ANY RODENTS OR ROACHES.

CLEAN IT, LITTLE PIGGIES. (I AM ONLY GRATEFUL THAT POPE JOHN PAUL DIDN'T LIVE TO SEE THE INSIDE OF YOUR HONDA. IT WOULD'VE KILLED HIM)

HEY! I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING BRILLIANT! HOW ABOUT (WAIT, JUST HEAR ME OUT) HOW ABOUT YOU KEEP A GARBAGE BAG IN THE HONDA. WAIT, LET ME FINISH. THEN WHEN YOU OR YOUR FRIENDS HAVE A PIECE OF GARBAGE, YOU CAN PUT IT RIGHT IN THAT BAG, THAT GARBAGE BAG. WOW. WHY DIDN'T I THINK OF THIS SOONER.

Um...heroin...

To: Amy
From: Mom
Subject: Heroin

Amy,

Yesterday on local news, they said it cost very little to buy
heroin and its far stronger than heroin of the 60s, so I just wanted to warn you to hold your drinks and don’t let ANYONE try to convince you to try it or ANY other drug they use and deal- they’re in it for THEMSELVES.

Love,

Mom

Where did you go? (IM convo)

I really love this little IM convo--thanks to Nick for the submission.


(2:31pm)


me: hey mommo


mom: what's up?

I just got back from a DMV trip...had to renew my license but they don't give it to you there anymore, they take your picture, do the vision test and then mail it to you...identity theft precaution


you must have gotten a phone call.

maybe the door bell rang.

maybe you got bored with the dmv story...plausible but unlikely given that it was full of facinating information.


(2:35pm)


maybe you are hungry and eating something.

or maybe like Gerald Ford, you might have been devoured by cannabilistic pygmies roaming Brooklyn....yes...that's probably what happened...rats.

well, I am going out to plant a bunch of perrinials that I bought and I wanted to get them in the ground before it rains..

okay...I'm really signing off...really.....

sigh.

To: Sage
From: Mom

hi, sagey. did you ever receive the book i sent you that you left here (re the starbucks' ceo)? i sent it about a week ago. it helps me if you let me know when you receive stuff i send you, so i can go on with the important things in my life, like rearranging my sock drawer.
love you,
mom.

Sedar Inquiries

From: Mom
To: Me

hi, kids.
we're hosting the seder this year. please let us know which saturday works best for y'all.
jolie will be in l.a. so we will absolutely do a group call. (maybe she can locate the afikoman telepathetically...)

Mom Feels Like Bill Collector

From: Mom
To: ****

hi. i tried to reach you by phone. no answer. (i'm starting to feel like a bill collector...)
what's happening with your job search. are you all set w/loans, june rent, and WORK?
please call (or at least e-mail).
love,
mom.

My Dad and Facebook's "Compare Your Friends"

For awhile my Dad was really into those Facebook "compare and rate your friends" applications. At one point, I remember walking into the room and seeing my Dad on his laptop, rating his Facebook friends (who are mostly my friends).


From:
Compare People
To: [Dad]
Subject: Facebook social news for [Dad]

Social News: This Week

Here is what your friends think about...

... your strengths:

#5 most likely to succeed
#5 best scientist
#5 most famous

... your weaknesses:

#24 most athletic
#27 most powerful


From: Dad
Subject: FW: Facebook social news for [Dad]
To: Kids, Mom

FYI, I'm not #5 best scientist! Thought you'd like to know.


Knicks, Obama, Dad

From: Dad

All the knicks voting for Obama, proves bball is the thinking person's sport
From: Mom
To: Sage

I wonder if you can help me. i once saw the end of a movie that's stuck in my head. it was black and white, and probably was filmed in the 50's or 60's. i believe it was an italian film. it was about a beautiful mother who wanted her young daughter (maybe 6 yrs old) to be a film star. she was obsessed with this desire. she dragged the reluctant kid all over and was constantly rejected. she finally got these producers and directors to watch a little clip of her daughter. in the little piece, her daughter was very unhappy and was crying; she looked like a pumpkin and a clown, and the producers and directors thought this was very humorous and were all laughing and then wanted to sign her. the mother would not sign.
can you help me find this movie so i can watch it in its entirety?

Uncovered Email Address

From: Mom
To: Sage

so i was looking at my mail in my g-mail account. i never looked there before. there were about 14 messages from you, dating back to august; an article that said julia childs was a spy; then there was that great totem pole animation; the really cool palin-in-the-white house interactive one; a letter from norm twain, trying to convince his colleague to vote for obama; and many involving obama's very excellent chances of winning the election. i really must check my g mail more often. (how did you know my gmail address?

Early MOM Halloween(ie) Packages

Every year for Halloween, Valentine's Day, Hannukah, and even St. Patrick's Day, my mom sends me little packages with holiday goodies. Usually included in the package are festive pens, apparel, a card, and socks with animals on them. Since the gifts are usually only suitable for a day or at most a week in a year, it's often one of those "what do I do with this?/I don't want to throw it away because this is sweet, although it is sort of useless to have a pen with orange pom poms and a bat on it, kind of thing." And sometimes it's something you'd wear for fun. Either way, these little mom gifts are always entertaining.

This is a great find on Melissa's mom's part. A glow-in-the-dark Halloween t-shirt is pretty badass.

From her mother:

I love Halloween and the fact that it said Happy Halloweenie, well that sold me!



Feel free to submit mom packages--pictures, contents, notes, etc!

my mom doesn't know how to send an email!

From: Mom
To: Sage

hey. i have an idea.
GET BACK TO


From: Mom
To: Sage

hey. i have an idea.
GET BACK TO ME SO I


From: Mom
To: Sage

hey. i have an idea.
GET BACK TO ME SO I CAN TELL


From: Sage
To: Mom

What's up?


From: Mom
To: Sage

what's up is that i hate my computer. what's also up is i have been waiting to hear back from you. is april 11th ok or not for you and vicki? i want to get back to everyone before dad and i go to florida on friday. also. where's your phone? dad and i have been calling you all night. if your phone is working and you haven't lost it pls call now. otherwise, pls email...

My Mom's OBSESSED with Radiohead

From: Mom

just wondering, you don't happen to have my radiohead cd, do ya? i thought i had my two-disc set in the camry, and now i only see one of the discs (and i REALLY need to hear "CREEP").




From: Mom

can ANY of you tell me where my radiohead cd is? it had "CREEP" on it and it's MISSING. i am certainly not ACCUSING anyone of anything and i don't understand WHY i keep TYPING in capital LETTERS.
are you SURE neither of you took it by ACCIDENT?
From: Mom
To: Sage

apparently the u.s. post office thinks today is "sage day."
i now see in the mail you also got a holiday photo-card (addressed to sage AND FAMILY, so i opened it) from mike and family.
let me describe it to you. for starters, the four of them are posing on steps. they are all wearing identical red and green plaid pajamas.
mike has long hair and, except for the pajamas, looks a lot like jesus. ann hasn't changed. james is very handsome with sheeny-shiny blond hair and perfect little teeth. mary has the cutest chubby face and red fuzzy hair.
the inscription on the card says, "merry christmas and happy new year with love, michael, ann, james, and mary." mike attached a little bright green post-it that says, "happy mlk day, too", which makes me wonder if he thought he was sending this out to a black friend, instead of a jewish one.
he also enclosed a family update. i will save that for your next visit home (your real home). but it was neat, that team he organized in his office to reduce commuter traffic. AND he now rides a motorcycle.
so...see you around campus (which doesn't make sense).
love,
mum
From: Me
To: Dad

Everytime I see you, you're eating peanuts. Did you know that they are 22% fat? Do you think that is good for your diet?


From: Dad
To: Me

22% fat just means 78% is not fat.
From: Mom
To: Sage

hi. i spoke to grandma. she wanted to know if you got the vitamins she sent you.
i hope we speak to you tonight. (it's been too long...)
To: Dad
From: Lauren
I'm buying myself a Venza or I'm buying myself implants...which do you approve of?

To: Lauren
From: Dad

Why don't you buy yourself a condo and move out?

Texts From Self-Proclaimed "Penis Waxing Queen"

From mom: "Did two male Brazilian waxes today."

A minute later from mom: "I AM THE PENIS WAXING QUEEN!"

Me, to mom: " EW mom, gross."

From mom: "Jealous?"


(submitted by Susie...thanks!)

Facebook???

From: Mom

Subject: Facebook


I don't think I really know how to use Facebook. Are you bringing your computer to St.L? Maybe you can show me how to effectively use it; and maybe we can get Aunt Judy to do it--I know she would enjoy seeing all the photos of Jill's kids and Brian's.


(Thanks to LC for the submission)

this is just cute...

From: Mom
Subject: Re: dentist
To: Keegan

why don't you want to go to the dentist??? is there evil with cleaning your teeth??? mom


Please send submissions to
emailsfrommymother@gmail.com.

All names, email addresses, and personal information will be omitted for posting. Credit will be given on a first-name basis unless you ask to remain anonymous. If you have any other concerns with sharing your post, please express them with your submission, and they will be addressed beforehand. Other than that, thanks for sharing!
-EFMM

Please don't poo poo this.

From Mom
To: Dan, Ben


Daniel and Ben,

Please read this and please keep those cell phones away from your ears. They are VERY Dangerous. Also dont carry them or put them in your pockets anywhere near your private parts.

We wont see all the repercussions from cell phone use for quite a few years but they are linking cell phones the same as cigarettes where no one heeded the warnings and then so many unfortunately died of cancer.

Please take heed of the warnings my precious sons, I am telling you now that the radiation we are getting from the cell phones is extremely dangerous and can kill ....... just like cigarettes.

I love you both and I want you to be aware. Please dont poo poo this as it is a scientific fact.

xxxxx Mom

IMs w/ Papadukes

JEWISH WIN!--this is enchanting.
(Thanks to Liza for the submission!)


Dad: Wait. You want THAI TAKE OUT for Shabbos dinner?

me: sigh. yes.

Dad: don't you want a nice Shabbos meal at home?

me: sure. a nice thai shabbos meal at home.

Dad: tsmah is fine with me!

me: is that thai in hebrew?

Dad: thai shabbos meal at home. I thought you knew text-speak!

me: hahaha oh, no im not as hip as you apparently. although, funny story- i referred to you today as 'papadukes' to my boss. he totally didn't get it

Dad: ok, so now you can explain it to me!

me: papadukes? youre papadukes and mom is mamadukes. he thought that meant your name was duke

Dad: "I believe it refers to your parents as in, "my old man, I wouldn't mess with him". Like, don't mess with ol' papa dukes. " From the Urban Dictionary. Is that it?

me: hahaa without the badass connotations, sure

Dad: well get this -- Grandma reported tonight that your cousin Maris discovered that Grandpa's Hebrew name is not MordHersh, as he always believed, but ... MordDukes! For real!

me: HAHAHAHA YES!

Dad: Jewish win!

The Suede Jacket

From: Mom
Subject: important
To: Sage


where is your suede jacket. this is unbelieveable. because you've always loved that jacket and have worn it for - what four years now - as a gift to you, i paid $55 to have the zipper (and all buttons) repaired on that jacket, and you LEFT IT SOMEWHERE?! i treat you like a child???!!!!! and where were your dress pants? ya think you'd know where you took them off, wouldn't ya? it only took a month to locate them, lying around somewhere on the third floor.
WHERE IS THAT JACKET. if you should remember where you last put it, and if it should still be there, i would like to donate it to a kid who gives a shit.
mom

Shower

To make a long story short, our shower drains out very slowly, and it doesn't drain out anything other than water. So when all of the water has gone down, it's disgusting. My cousins came to visit, and my parents were away on vacation. My mom called me before I took a shower, nagging me to clean it.


____________________________________________


From: Me

Subject: embarrassment, bathtub

To: Mom


mom-

just so you're not worrying- i took a shower and waited until it drained out to clean it. so you don't need to worry about ethan and danitza thinking we live like animals.
____________________________________________

From: Mom
Subject: Re: embarrassment, bathtub
To: Me

thank you for that. i was very frightened by your subject line that this was going to be a "danitza and ethan left immediately after seeing our bathtub" email. or "danitza politely asked me if i would mind if she bleached the bathtub before she used it."

love you.
mom.

texts from my mother

TEXTS FROM MOTHER /// thank you @hottiecakes via twitter

They had refreshments here. Large cookies, etc. I got one that looked like lemon cause it was yellow, but it tasted like cornbread!! I said "where's the beans?"


(feel free to submit texts, tweets, and short emails via twitter- @emailsfrommymom)

RIP DJ AM, love mom

Jordan: here is the only contact my mother has made with me since i moved to england five months ago
________________________________

From: Jordan
To: Mom

did you call me last night? i cant call internationally from my phone so try again tonight if you want
________________________________

From: Mom
To: Jordan


Jordan, did you know that dj Adam Goldstein that died? I don't know why but I have a feeling you do. It's sad.