What Are You Doing November 6th?

From: Mom
Subject: hey! what are you doing november 6th?

to all you young women out there.   only eleven days until the election.  we know you support obama, but some of us are more than a little concerned that you won't translate this into the verb of voting; that although you know there's much at stake, somehow it all seems abstract to you. THIS ELECTION IS SO MUCH MORE THAN HAVING ACCESS TO THE MORNING-AFTER PILL (NOT TO MENTION THE EVENING-BEFORE PILL).   ALONG WITH AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, YOUR RIGHT TO CHOICES MAY VERY WELL VANISH.    you have to vote.  you have to vote.  you have to vote.  you have to vote.  you have to vote.  how can you not vote?  come on.  this is so IMPORTANT.  come on.  why am i so worried about you?  YOU HAVE TO VOTE.  PLEASE.  TELL ME YOU'LL VOTE.  YOU THINK I LIKE NAGGING LIKE THIS? promise me.  sign your name and promise me you'll vote.  you won't be sorry.  in fact, you'll be the opposite of sorry, which is (wait, what is the opposite of sorry); whatever, you will be happy.  THE EVANGELICALS ARE NOT NOISY BUT THEY WILL COME OUT IN DROVES.  WILL YOU COME OUT IN DROVES TOO?

BEST OF: DO NOT POST ABOUT YOUR BOOBS ON FACEBOOK!

One of my favorites from EFMM's "BEST OF."  See the full collection here. 

From: Mom
To: LS

You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on Facebook. I'm serious. AND DO NOT SEND THIS TO EFMM! Or, if you want to, go right ahead, maybe it will give some other young women good advice! OY. You don't see guys putting posts out there about how they wish their penises were bigger, do you? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN READ FACEBOOK, and it makes you sound dumb and like a young woman with low self-esteem. How about a quotation about a favorite piece of artwork instead? Okay, I'm done now. 

Love, your feminist since 8th grade wise and smart mother!!!!!!

The Daily Obama Nag

From: Mom

To: Me

this is so serious.  think of what a romney presidency would mean for you.

 

YOU CAN'T JUST SUPPORT OBAMA.  YOU MUST GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE FOR OBAMA ON ELECTION DAY.  GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE.  GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE.   FOR OBAMA.  ON ELECTION DAY.

 

YOU'RE TEARING OUT MY KISHKAS.  YOU MUST GO OUT OF YOUR  HOUSE AND VOTE.  ON ELECTION DAY.  FOR OBAMA.

 

TAPE A NOTE TO YOUR REFRIGERATOR:

 

"REMINDER:  NOVEMBER 6TH YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, THEN GO OUT OF THE HOUSE TO YOUR POLLING PLACE AND WHEN YOU GET THERE, VOTE FOR OBAMA.  

 

I'M NOT A NAG.  I AM JUST VERY CONCERNED THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE STAKES. 

The Doody Emporium

Sage: 
just saw a news headline that read "worker dies in tuna plant". i can't imagine a worse place to die than a tuna plant, jesus.

Dad:

Maybe the doody emporium is a worse place

Ghosts in Our Bathroom

From: JJ
To: Family

The frame on the top shelf in the kitchen just FELL DOWN RANDOMLY!!! creepy.  i think we have ghosts? 


From: Dad

I have ghosts in our bathroom and they are very helpful - one hands me the toilet paper, the other flushes the toilet...just like casper the friendly ghost.



From: Mom

That's why I married you!

I Had an X-Ray Today and They Found You In My Heart

A friend of mine posted a really sweet quote that her 10-year old daughter texted her.  So I emailed it to my mom...

To: Mom
From: Me

I had an x-ray today and they found you in my heart. They said I couldn't take you out because I would die without someone like you in my life....

From: Mom

To: Me

Did the doctors freak out and ask why there was a 64-year old woman in your heart?

My Dad's Band or Gangnam Style?

Note: My Dad created a band called "The Space Mutants" about 30 years ago.  They have a rockopera recorded on a cassette somewhere.  


To: Dad
From: Me




From: Dad
To: Me

Was that from the space mutant concert?  Btw I saw Peter in the crowd. 

That Bitch's Picture...

Asking advice from mom.  By "homepage" she means Facebook...

From: Anonymous Mom

i think it makes sense to start fresh and see where it goes.  if you start with demands of "did you miss me like i missed you" or "how could you do this to me" or "how could you post that bitch's picture on your home page"; if you go this route, i'm thinking you wouldn't be giving this a fair shot.

love,

mom