But I'm Not Like That...

From: Mom
To: Me

remember to vote in this tuesday's primary for mass. senate seat.  if i was a controlling type of mother i would say, "of course you're voting for markey,  right?"  but i'm not like that.

mum

This Request Is So Old

From: Mom
To: Me

dear adult children,


whichever one of you has the visitor parking pass, please return it.  jesus.  this request is so old.  i may die from boredom.

Instead of Keeping It Rolled Up in a Ball...


another free suggestion.  just in case you have to wear your sport jacket ever again, instead of keeping it rolled up in a ball on your bed, try hanging it up in the closet conveniently located in your bedroom. 

mom


I Just Watched "GIRLS"...

From: Mom

i just watched "girls."  can't anyone be happy on that show for more than five minutes?  i wanted adam and nathalia to be a happy couple.  and why does hannah have to be so repulsive?

Your Hideous Green Winter Jacket

From: Mom
To: Me

it's way past the acceptable time for me to tell you what you shouldn't wear.

however.  i'm sitting in the dining room and on the chair next to me is your hideous green winter jacket.  it is totally ripped at the seam and the stuffing is all exposed. 

my question is: how can you ask me if it is appropriate to wear uggs in your office, and yet have no problem showing up at work wearing that rag/jacket, looking like a street urchin?

I Haven't Been The Same

From: Mom
To: Me

so sorry if i seem a bit irritable and sullen lately.

i haven't been the same since i lost my hat.

mom

Never Say Never

From: Dad
To: Family

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”–Albert Einstein


From: Sage
To: Family

“I'm telling you, people. Everyday we wake up is another blessing. Follow your dreams and don't let anyone stop you. Never say never.” -Justin Bieber


From: Dad
To: Family

Please Justin Bieber, let me say never just once

Emails From Jack Uzi's Mother

Dear Jack Uzi,
I'm so proud you are finally so famous. I see you on the net recently, I knew my baby boy would grow up to be greatest rollerblader ever. You look beautiful, and body is great. Have you talked to Father recently? He would be so proud of your moves. Any ladies would be happy to have you wake up with them. We miss you, I wish internet would allow me to hand you borscht. I see you in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRd07YOA2X0
love very much, come home soon, keep wind at your back,
-Mama Uzi

Your Sorry Bank Accounts...

Hi Boys,
I transferred $25 into each of your sorry bank accounts. This one is on me. $1 and change and $4 and change? really, boys?…. Please try to keep them over $25.  you know how I worry about fees.
Alex – thanks for getting Philip today. Bring your dry cleaning.
Jeff – Do I have all of your dry cleaning? 
Love you both,
Mom.