tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34930506069544487372024-03-05T01:55:15.749-08:00Emails From My Motheri love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger267125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-13027582946625721062014-08-08T16:42:00.000-07:002014-08-08T16:42:44.712-07:00Wrinkled Wet Linen Shirt And Two Dead Grey Fish From: Mom
To: Family
I need a word of support. I'm not having a good day. I'm at work and my linen shirt is extremely wrinkled. I've seen many others wear linen and they all look okay. Also, my lipstick faded and my lips look like two dead grey fish. Also, i washed my hands and didn't notice all the water on the side of the sink and now my wrinkled shirt is very wet Chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08734632973619967684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-6440293447910740812014-06-11T08:26:00.000-07:002014-06-11T08:31:03.791-07:00A Relationship With Your Peace LilyI asked my Mom how to properly care for my new plant:
From: Mom
To: Me
i would get the soil very wet and let it drain. just observe it as you do it. and make sure you don't water it again too soon. eventually, you and your peace lily will have a deep relationship; she will let you know when to water her, and in gratitude she will continue to bloom and be healthy. (what Chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08734632973619967684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-80534401241644943112014-06-10T20:20:00.003-07:002014-06-10T20:21:20.413-07:00You Should Shave...From: Mom
To: Me
it is my opinion that you should shave under your arms for your last day of work.
love,
mom
Chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08734632973619967684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-56144887973988650442013-04-29T05:51:00.000-07:002013-04-29T06:01:34.029-07:00But I'm Not Like That...From: Mom
To: Me
remember to vote in this tuesday's primary for mass. senate seat. if i was a controlling type of mother i would say, "of course you're voting for markey, right?" but i'm not like that.
mumChloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08734632973619967684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-53607855185335221552013-04-13T08:20:00.002-07:002013-04-13T08:22:23.020-07:00This Request Is So OldFrom: Mom
To: Me
dear adult children,
whichever one of you has the visitor parking pass, please return it. jesus. this request is so old. i may die from boredom.
Chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08734632973619967684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-9245064751642248262013-04-02T18:31:00.001-07:002013-04-02T18:31:29.413-07:00Instead of Keeping It Rolled Up in a Ball...
another free suggestion. just in case you have to wear your sport jacket ever again, instead of keeping it rolled up in a ball on your bed, try hanging it up in the closet conveniently located in your bedroom.
mom
Chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08734632973619967684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-15241771683216003072013-03-15T06:09:00.001-07:002013-03-15T06:09:06.866-07:00I Just Watched "GIRLS"...From: Mom
i just watched "girls." can't anyone be happy on that show for more than five minutes? i wanted adam and nathalia to be a happy couple. and why does hannah have to be so repulsive?Chloehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08734632973619967684noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-47982910273775925602013-01-30T10:12:00.001-08:002013-01-30T17:45:21.165-08:00Your Hideous Green Winter JacketFrom: Mom
To: Me
it's way past the acceptable time for me to tell you what you shouldn't wear. however. i'm sitting in the dining room and on the chair next to me is your hideous green winter jacket. it is totally ripped at the seam and the stuffing is all exposed. my question is: how can you ask me if it is appropriate to wear uggs in your office, and yet have no problem Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-17639050074729802682013-01-10T05:54:00.000-08:002013-01-10T05:54:04.691-08:00I Haven't Been The SameFrom: Mom
To: Me
so sorry if i seem a bit irritable and sullen lately.i haven't been the same since i lost my hat. momUnknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-80753888561788555652012-12-27T08:22:00.001-08:002012-12-27T08:22:29.867-08:00Never Say NeverFrom: Dad
To: Family
“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”–Albert Einstein
From: Sage
To: Family
“I'm telling you, people. Everyday we wake up is another blessing. Follow your dreams and don't let anyone stop you. Never say never.” -Justin Bieber
From: Dad
To: Family
Please Justin Bieber, let me say never just onceUnknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-2190608363720214752012-11-20T18:09:00.002-08:002012-11-25T21:21:52.532-08:00Emails From Jack Uzi's MotherDear Jack Uzi,
I'm so proud you are finally so famous. I see you on the net recently, I knew my baby boy would grow up to be greatest rollerblader ever. You look beautiful, and body is great. Have you talked to Father recently? He would be so proud of your moves. Any ladies would be happy to have you wake up with them. We miss you, I wish internet would allow me to hand you borscht. I see you inUnknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-9223613937760882892012-11-13T22:42:00.000-08:002012-11-13T22:42:09.787-08:00Your Sorry Bank Accounts...Hi Boys,I transferred $25 into each of your sorry bank accounts. This one is on me. $1 and change and $4 and change? really, boys?…. Please try to keep them over $25. you know how I worry about fees.Alex – thanks for getting Philip today. Bring your dry cleaning.Jeff – Do I have all of your dry cleaning? Love you both,Mom.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-56502962604231788362012-10-26T12:19:00.001-07:002012-10-26T12:26:21.370-07:00What Are You Doing November 6th?From: Mom
Subject: hey! what are you doing november 6th?
to all you young women out there.
only eleven days until the election. we know you support obama, but some of us are more than a little concerned that you won't translate this into the verb of voting; that although you know there's much at stake, somehow it all seems abstract to you.
THIS ELECTION&Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-26213740882223170652012-10-24T20:13:00.003-07:002012-10-24T20:13:44.814-07:00BEST OF: DO NOT POST ABOUT YOUR BOOBS ON FACEBOOK!One of my favorites from EFMM's "BEST OF." See the full collection here.
From: Mom
To: LS
You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-82381202007156679432012-10-24T20:01:00.004-07:002012-10-24T20:01:46.847-07:00The Daily Obama Nag
From: Mom
To: Me
this is so serious. think of what a romney presidency would mean for you.
YOU CAN'T JUST SUPPORT OBAMA. YOU MUST GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE FOR OBAMA ON ELECTION DAY. GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE. GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE. FOR OBAMA. ON ELECTION DAY.
YOU'RE TEARING OUT MY KISHKAS. YOU MUST GO OUT OF Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-52295674498283748512012-10-16T18:25:00.003-07:002012-10-16T18:28:17.377-07:00The Doody Emporium Sage:
just saw a news headline that read "worker dies in tuna plant". i can't imagine a worse place to die than a tuna plant, jesus.
Dad:
Maybe the doody emporium is a worse place
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-54459217723361767242012-10-15T18:54:00.000-07:002012-11-25T21:22:12.475-08:00Ghosts in Our BathroomFrom: JJ
To: Family
The frame on the top shelf in the kitchen just FELL DOWN RANDOMLY!!! creepy. i think we have ghosts?
From: Dad
I have ghosts in our bathroom and they are very helpful - one hands me the toilet paper, the other flushes the toilet...just like casper the friendly ghost.
From: Mom
That's why I married you!
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-65048965194467207682012-10-12T19:24:00.003-07:002012-10-12T19:24:47.169-07:00I Had an X-Ray Today and They Found You In My HeartA friend of mine posted a really sweet quote that her 10-year old daughter texted her. So I emailed it to my mom...
To: Mom
From: Me
I had an x-ray today and they found you in my heart. They said I couldn't take you out because I would die without someone like you in my life....
From: Mom
To: Me
Did the doctors freak out and ask why there was a 64-year old woman in your heart?
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-17828632853887574482012-10-08T18:38:00.000-07:002012-10-08T18:38:03.535-07:00My Dad's Band or Gangnam Style?Note: My Dad created a band called "The Space Mutants" about 30 years ago. They have a rockopera recorded on a cassette somewhere.
To: Dad
From: Me
From: Dad
To: Me
Was that from the space mutant concert? Btw I saw Peter in the crowd. Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-42081711928639663672012-10-01T20:04:00.003-07:002012-10-03T09:06:03.552-07:00That Bitch's Picture...
Asking advice from mom. By "homepage" she means Facebook...
From: Anonymous Mom
i think it makes sense to start fresh and see where it goes. if you start with demands of "did you miss me like i missed you" or "how could you do this to me" or "how could you post that bitch's picture on your home page"; if you go this route, i'm thinking you wouldn't be giving this a Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-55828047403505083772012-09-25T11:18:00.003-07:002012-09-25T11:19:18.819-07:00HOT as HELLFrom: Mom
i woke up this a.m. to find the thermostat set at 74!!!!!!!
first of all, it should never be at 74, even if it's 3 degrees outside.
turn off the a/c if you're cold. but do not overreact and turn the thermostat up to HELL level. seriously. it's as hot in here as it is in HELL.
this is not funny. 74 is uncomfortable and unhealthy.
mom
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-47203150969964450592012-09-15T18:15:00.000-07:002012-09-15T18:17:12.499-07:00My "Alcohol With Pasta" Dream...
i need to tell you about my dream last night.
it was a hospital setting, and this young female doctor told me she had to tend to something, and that i needed to sterilize all the tools. i wasn't sure i could do it because sterilizing everything was an involved process and she had gone over it very quickly. she very sweetly reassured me that she KNEW i could do it,Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-28587315901044353062012-08-23T16:37:00.001-07:002012-08-23T16:43:53.330-07:00Friends With Any Leprechauns? Am I Being Mean?
From: Mom
To: BJ
someone left a black XXS jacket here. it either belongs to a girl or a very tiny boy. any idea who it belongs to? are you friends with any circus boys? or any leprechauns? am i being mean? i'm mean...Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-77749473458441710482012-08-15T14:06:00.005-07:002012-08-15T14:06:40.332-07:00NOT SCREAMING
From: Mom
To: Me
all cars need to be parked tonight on NEAR side of james street and NO CARS IN FRONT OF HOUSE.
(I AM NOT SCREAMING. I AM JUST CAPITALIZING).
Unknownnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3493050606954448737.post-21882342140877296502012-08-12T00:42:00.004-07:002012-08-12T00:42:38.338-07:00Nice and TenderFrom: Me
To: Mom
i talked to liz. she's organizing a dinner for us and john for saturday night! excited to meet him!
From: Mom
To: Me
excellent. john is so nice and so tender towards liz.
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com