Marshmallow Shooter

From: Mom

Subject: your recent purchases

you received your marshmallow shooter in the mail today.

i'm glad to see you're having fun living at home and all, but seeing as you are jobless and have been for the past 5 months, maybe you should lay off on the more excessive purchases? something to think about.

on another note, do you want to scare the shit out of dad when he comes home from work today?

A Little Mom Jingle

From: Mom

so we were sitting at the table earlier this evening and i don't know what made me remember this song we used to sing when i was about ten:

whistle while you work
hitler was a jerk
mussolini bit his peenie
now it doesn't work.

i'm thinking you're thinking i made this up, but my old friends from new york will back me up on this. (they better).


Brain Drain

From: Mom
To: Orson

What was the name of the movie where the middle age woman in Miami was addicted to speed.....I have a brain drain


[Texts] With Dad

Dad: Will you be home for dinner?
Me: No but save me some for when I get home.

(a few hours later)
Me: We went out for dinner actually but I'll take mine for lunch tomorrow.
Dad: Drop dead. This is not a take out joint.
Dad: We are doing 7 sea food courses for x-mas eve. Sweet!!!!!!!
Me: Whaaat?
Dad: If you were here for dinner you'd know what we were talking about.

[Submitted by NK]

Post-Election Thoughts From Mom

From: Mom
Subject: Coakley

may w

From: Mom
Subject: Coakey

the computer cut me off before i was finished. i'm sure a republican caused it. what i was about to say is, may we always keep our eyes on the prize.


Is Princess Okay?: Mom Shows Concern for Kim Kardashian's Chihuahua

My mom and I are guilty of watching "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" every Sunday. We sit through the entire hour-long program together, making unnecessary comments throughout as if the Kardashians can hear us. (For example) "Scott is such a pig."--My mom. In last week's episode, Kim happened to stumble upon a stray chihuahua, who ended up needing emergency surgery.

From: Mom
To: Me
Subject: I have a question about Princess

so i'm trying to find out if the chihuahua that kim kardashian found wandering the streets of beverly hills and that she named "princess" (stop it, stop it, stop it), and that ends up needing around-the-clock medical attention, is still with us. the thing is, since we think the show is totally scripted, do you think this really happened or are the producers sleazy enough to hook up a healthy chihuahua to an i.v.?

From: Me
To: Mom
Re: I have a question about Princess

disturbingly enough, i found the answer. look what staci says at the bottom...


From: Mom
To: Me
Re: I have a question about Princess

now i'm questioning my own integrity for watching the show in the first place.

Texts From DMB Concert

Dad: 6 songs in to Dave Matthews. Your mom is smokin up with the kids.

{submitted by NK}

A Good Old-Fashioned LETTER From Mom

Note from Sue:
I was 19 years old (1974ish) and a sophomore in college, and while enjoying some beers at Johnny's Big Red Grill, I made a plan to go sky diving with some friends. Since I was under 21, I needed a note from my mother. I called my mother on a land-line, and she sent me the following letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

I will allow my daughter, Susan, to go sky diving, however, I do not approve of this.
Ellen S.

You can imagine how embarassing it was to actually hand this to the place and how embarassing it is to me now - to realize that it never occurred to me to fake a letter! Different times.

"who made this? stupid."

From: MOM
To: RT

Hello my lovely daughter,
This is mommy. Look what I lerned! Do not forget to call ur (your sister taught me the internet language) brother. i was trying to tell you something but then you said you had to go and you hung up on me. I was going to tell you to not go outside. it is cold and wet. if you do go outside make sure you put a scarf around your face so the cold air does not get in. do it. and do not worry about how you look.

Email me back because I only talk to you and ur brother on this internet. I do not have time to talk to everyone we know. I have been typing this for forty minutes. the letters are not in order. who made this? stupid.

love you. call me tomorrow. don't forget.