Pre-Cleaning Lady Clean...?

From: Mom

so some people might say, "cut them some slack. you were away for a long time; they did the best they could."

i say, ENOUGH WITH THE SLACK-CUTTING. YOU TWO ARE PIGS. the people from the cleaning service are coming tomorrow. i went into your bathroom, not to make it spotless, but to remove enough filth so i would have a shot of them coming back. the bathtub had so much hair in it. it was so disgusting. i won't say i'm ashamed. yes i will. i'm ashamed.

THIS IS:
THIS IS NOT: YOUR COLLEGE DORM

TV For Hanukah?

From: Mom
To: Jared

good morning!
missed talking to you yesterday, hope all is well.
anyway, i want to know if you want a tv for hanukah. i am looking around for them and want to make sure thats what you would like. i want to buy it for you if thats what you want. please let me know.
happy Harry Potter movie day!
xoxox

Never Complain About Your Job Again

From: Dad
To: Family

Subject: Never complain about your job again


I will never complain about my job ever again.


I will never complain about my job ever again.



I will never complain about my job ever again.




From: SJ
Re:

So cleaning up shit is as bad as it gets?




From: Dad
Re:

Actually, I cleaned toilets at Polaroid after I graduated and it wasn't that bad. I think the message is about appreciating what you have--always a good one.




From: Mom
Re:

TELL me the elephant dung girl is wearing gloves


PARTY PLANS: FAIL

From: Mom
To: Me

Steven's film is coming out in August!


From: Me
To: Mom

No idea who you're talking about LOL


From: Mom
To: Me

oh that's right you never met him. the other kids met him at the wedding. that was the time you posted a party invitation for our old house on facebook when you thought the rest of us would be in north carolina at the wedding but we found out about your plans and dad ended up staying home with you. steven is lynn's nephew.

Text From Mom

hi i need phone number for my friend marion if you r home thnx btw lol wtf

THE SLUTTY WHITE SHORTS CHRONICLES


From: Mom
To: Me


i love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.

mom.


From: Mom
To: Me

i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.

another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.

so don't tell me.


From: Mom
To: Me

i cannot tell a lie: kallie threw out the sluttywhiteshorts.

just kidding. i did. but, listen. think of the anguish and torment i went through before i did it. it was my own personal
sophie's choice:

i had to temporarily lie to my daughter (and you KNOW i'm a big fan of truth), or else risk having something bad happen to her because she wouldn't stop wearing slutttywhiteshorts.

can you ever forgive me?

mom.



Browse through our entire "BEST OF EFMM" section HERE.

Floppy Disc

From: Mom
To: Kids

has anyone seen the floppy disc labeled "Winter Speech"


From: Mom
To: Kids

HELLO???????? ANYBODY????????


From: JJ
To: Mom

Sorry, I didn't respond because I thought that was a joke. Last time I saw a floppy disc I was eating baby food. So no, I haven't seen your FLOPPY DISC.



From: Mom

floppy disc, compact disc YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT. i need it ASAP.



From: Mom

THANK YOU ALL FOR RESPONDING TO ME. i found my disc and am not cooking dinner for anyone anymore.


Affirmations From Dad

From: JJ
To: Family


ENJOY!



From: Dad

I like my kids. I like my soulmate. I like my remote control. I'm done.

That was fun kneee.

The Lies of Facebook

To: Mom

Why did you delete your Facebook? Did it have anything to do with your account getting HACKED yesterday?


From: Mom

i just can't put up with the intrusions and lies that come with facebook. get out of my face, facebook.

Urgent: Centipede Crisis

To: Mom

I saw a centipede last night. URGENT: we NEED to contact landlord for exterminator ASAP.


From: Mom

david (landlord) email is: xxxxxx@gmail.com
he's very nice. all hippies are.
good luck with your centipede witch hunt.

love,
mumz

YOU WON'T GET IT UNTIL IT BITES YOU IN THE ASS

From: Mom
To: Kids

i was thinking, since jolie is coming in for the wedding, and since sage won't be covered for dental insurance (or medical insurance) when he turns 26, and since chloe hasn't been to the dentist in a few months, why don't the three of you make an appt to see barry in august?

this is a good idea. listen to your mutha.



From: Sage

Chloe add this to the blog



From: Mom

it's not that my email said anything objectionable, but i don't understand why it would be put on any blog. one of these days you're going to be having what you think is a private conversation with a friend, and the next thing you know, your private conversation is posted on the internet for public amusement.

you won't get it until it bites you in the ass. i'll say it again: your generation does not respect boundaries.

Happy Birthday, Iggy Pop

Mom: here's a good one; yesterday I was sitting at a light on Lee Hwy and an older man rolled down his window and asked if I could give him directions to get to North Carolina
I guess he thinks its a short drive

Nick:
haha, you just stay on route 29, it goes all the way down to jacksonville florida

Mom: he's probably still driving saying; how long did that lady say we had to go until we got there?
the twins were 61 yesterday, i can't believe it

Nick:
wowie, iggy pop is 63 today
hard to believe iggy pop is older than them!

Mom:
yeah i know I sent him a card, it said hope you have an "iggy" birthday

Nick: thats awesome, custom made?

Mom: get it "icky" and iggy sound simiilar
no I found it at hallmark store in the iggy pop birthday card section

Nick: haaaaaaaa stop

Mom: okay...but I'm on a roll

She Had a Baby...

From: JJ
To: Mom

Brittany B had a baby!


From: Mom
To: JJ

really? is she married and all that? i'm thinking she's 25. that doesn't seem THAT young. what did she have and what did she name it? did you find out through facebook or did she call you as soon as she gave birth?

Dad's TV Pitches

Note: I asked my Dad to think of some ideas of skits for my cable access show.

From: Dad
To: Me

Twacebook…a new social media tool that's better than facebook and better than twitter…it's where people sit next to each other and talk.


Fig triva- The host asks the tough fig questions...contestants have to hold up a fig if they know the answer

Bloody Mom

From: Mom
To: Barrie

fyi my sinuses are bleeding

MGMT

From: Mom
To: Nikki

hi nikki...i was watching david letterman and MGMT performed tonight...

do they always wear capes?

Mom's Review of True Blood

To: JJ
From: Mom

Did you see True Blood last night? What a bunch of soft-core porn.

Lie-Lo

To: Me
From: Dad

Where do you want to go out for dinner tonight?

P.S. Li-Lo (or as I call her, Lie-Lo, because she's a liar) is a real idiot.

Too Much Perfume

To: Me
From: Mom

yesterday as you were leaving for a night out, it reminded me that i wanted to offer some suggestions about perfume-wearing.

the scent of perfume should be sensual, soft, and mesmerizing.

if you've applied perfume to your body, you should NOT wish for people in your vicinity to: become faint or disoriented, have a seizure, vomit, or develop a severe migraine.

thank me later.

love,
mum

Peeps In The Entertainment Biz...

From: JJ
To: Dad

Check out this article on the "Emerson Mafia"...

From: Dad
To: JJ

Cool article - I thought it was interesting that Herzog said if people make the effort to track him down he'll talk to them. Peeps in the entertainment biz like people who are aggressive so don’t be afraid to keep calling and emailing the mafia connections.

Thought For the Day

From: Mom
To: Mia
Subject: thought for the day

Good morning, Dear Daughter –

Always remember to moisturize your neck!

Lots of love -- Mommie

Always My Favorite Shopping Assistant

From: Mom
To: Me

i want to help you go shopping for your trip to israel. i think a pair of jeans is a good staple to have with you. find out what the weather is like in may. you might need to bring some unslutty shorts. also, start breaking into those new sandals by walking around with them in socks. love you

A Reminder To My Daughter Abroad

From: Mom
To: Lisa

Spring in Southern France! Have a fling!

Subject:

Note: "kids"=Mom is a 1st grade teacher...

From: Mom
To: Mia
Subject: When I eat tuna sandwiches and talk to my kids, they back off; I feel bad and apologize for my tuna breath.

She Got Her WHAT?

From: Mom
To: Kristen

So Aunt Maria texts me this morning...Yesterday Kristina got her period for the first time. Maria happened to be on the phone with Uncle John at the time. So Kristina called her from the bathroom and told her what happened, and Maria told John. He says, "WHAT! SHE GOT HER WHAT!?" Then, "I CAN'T DEAL WITH THIS, I GOTTA GO. I GOTTA GO." And hung up. Maria was hysterically cracking up!

I told her what is he going to do when she gets married? He'll be a basket case, lol

From: Kristen
To: Mom

Ew.

Spring Cleaning!!!!!!!

From: Mom

To: Family

Subject: FUN DAY!!!!!!



dear family,

tomorrow (saturday) is the day we all have to do our part, to contribute 100$, i mean 100%, to get our home ready and in spit-spot shape.

we can have pizza and sing camp songs all day! we will work together all day long and have group hugs every hour on the hour.

who's on board?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!

love,
mom

also, there may be a raffle. or i may hide the affikomen from some leftover matzoh.




From: Dad

To: Family

Re: FUN DAY!!!!!!!



WoW!!!! Sounds like a fun-bonanza. I'm definitely in.


FWD:

My mom forwarded this to me via email. I have no idea WHO these people are or where Bradford Rd. is, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know an Edie, making this a FWD of a FWD and completely useless. Thanks Mom!

From: Mom
Subject: FWD: lock your cars and keep valuable inside

The handbag of my friend on Bradford Road was stolen from her unlocked car last night. Also, Justin found evidence that someone went through his car last night (nothing stolen). It doesn't seem that the thief or thieves are breaking in at this time (my car was locked and had something valuable in it). We should just take some simple precautions...
Edie


For the Fridge

From: Mom
To: JJ

i think i already asked you for a photo of you and jeff. i would like a LOVELY photo (not like your xmas card disaster). i need it for the fridge.

thanks.

Christmas Trees & Salad Forks

From: Mom
To: Me

1. it's april. passover is done with. are you okay if we take the fake christmas tree down now?

2. why do we keep losing salad forks? we're now missing about six of them. any thoughts about where they might be?

mom

You Are PERFECT!

From: JJ

To: Mom and Dad


I made this picture...

(attached)



From: Mom

To: JJ


its perfect. do dad and i have creative kids or what.

mom



From: Dad

To: JJ


You rock JJ! Let the creativity flow...


Good Student Discount

To: Anna
From: Mom
[Facebook wall post]

Amica Insurance just called and told me that we're getting a refund check for the "Good Student Discount"...Ironically it's 1/1000 of your tuition...

Scallops For Dinner?

From: Mom
To: Liz

Hey
I have a Dr's appt at 5:30. He wouldn't give me drugs for the plane unless I came in. So Hopefully I shouldn't be long. I was thinking of scallops for dinner. Dad won't be home until 8:30. what do you think? Text me so I know to buy the scallops. Have a good rest of the day. Love you.
Mom


A Package Sent 3,000 Miles


A PB & J and $10

[Submitted by Elizabeth]

Why We Never Helped You

To: Mom, Dad
From: JJ

[LINK]

THAT'S the reason we never helped you, Mom! We weren't "trained" to help you. We never did the dishes, swept or mopped the floor, cleaned, made our beds, etc. But, we did mow the lawn, and we did wash and clean the car(s) and we always helped dad shred paper at work, and did the groceries whenever he asked.

You probably should have bought this one instead:


At least I know for the future...


To: JJ
From: Dad

I'm not sure you guys would understand either of these books. They have words in them about helping. jk :-)


To: JJ
From: Mom

we DID have both books but i don't know what happened to "we help mommy" (hmmmm). i love those books, the way the kids are treated like slaves.


HAPPY EASTER (TEXT)

Mom: THE EASTER BUNNY HAS NOT FORGOTTEN YOU.


[Submitted by Elizabeth]

Mandals: Man Sandals!

Note: My mom and I once got lunch and sat on the deck to watch people walk by. After a couple of margaritas, she noticed a guy wearing sandals with socks and started to complain about fashion today. I informed her that sandals worn by men are referred to as "mandals" and she laughed for ten minutes.

To: Anna
From: Mom

Tell your mandal wearing friends about this.
http://arthritis.about.com/od/foot/a/flip-flops.htm

It was wonderful to see you. Enjoy your time in graduate school - bathe your mind in knowledge and stretch your mind.

Love and kisses forever, Mom

(Untitled)


To: Alex
From: Mom


hi

sitting at computer emailing


Today is Respect Life Sunday

Note: Cody is my stuffed dog from when I was 8. My mom likes to personify him as an ideal child, usually for the purpose of harassing us to go to church.


From Mom: Today is Respect Life Sunday. Cody has been to Mass & Communion & is in one of the human life chains nationwide defending & protesting outside abortion clinics. Coday LOVES God too much to let him down! Loving, Loyal Cody!


[Submitted by Liz]

I'll Stick My Head in the Oven

From my sister: Does mom ever threaten you with sticking her head in the oven if you don't reply to her text messages or is that just my pleasure to receive?

From Mom: Go ahead, ignore me. I'll go stick my head in the oven...& i'm sick, too! Hope you spill your mushroom soup! & there were PRINCESSES on your spaghettios!...e-mailing Santa --mommy.

[Submitted by Liz]

BEST OF: "You're Starting to Look Like a Dyke."

From: Mom
To: Beth


SEE THE ENTIRE BEST OF COLLECTION HERE.

A Little Update From Mom

To: Eli
From: Mom

Hi! It is always so fun to hear from you. Dad and I went to the Blue Cow for breakfast and then to Waterton Canyon for a long hike. We saw a bald eagle and a ton of pronghorn sheep. It is beautiful today...61 degrees in town and we saw 85 bikes just on Deer Creek.

Tonight the Hiester's are coming for dinner. Patrick turns 55 next Thursday. We were going to celebrate with 5 tapas plates but that got a little complicated but we are going to make an entirely Spanish dinner. Aren't we fancy?

I have to go to Vegas next week and you know how I feel about that. I'll be at the Rio which brings me about as close and faraway as I can be from you. You'll be rolling in mud and I'll be among high rollers. I would rather be with you.

You'll be amused to know that we haven't touched anything of yours since you left. Whatever you left on the couch and table downstairs are still there. We opened the door to your room so it gets the heat but haven't been inside. Your coats and scarves are still in the hallway. It's not a sentimental thing as much as it is that we've not gotten around to it and there's really not much point.

I love you,

Mom

Dad + Snoop + Rihanna

me: do you know who snoop dogg is?
dad: yeahh shizzle my nizzle...that's snoop dogg
me: do you know who rihanna is? mom didn't.
dad: she got beaten up by her boyfriend chris.
me: wow, mom didnt know who she was.
dad: she doesn't know what fergolicious means either. she thinks black eyed peas is a vegetable.

[Submitted By JJ]

Youtube?

From: Mom

just saw your little piece on you tube. or is it u tube. or is it
leave me alone, i'm old.

the POINT is, it was just so fabulous. love love love it.

mumz

My Mom & The Beatles, 1965

Facebook comment to Mom: Remember when you went to the Beatles concert and held up a sign that said "How about a little slap and tickle"?

Mom: no, it was, "hey, fab four, how about a little slap and tickle?" it was a huge sign. on a huge sheet and we glued tons of sparkle on every letter. we brought it to the beatles concert (1965) and we planned to hold it up real high. because surely the beatles would notice us and invite us to party with them after the concert. the thing was, as
soon as we held up our massive pathetic banner, the people sitting behind us said, rather coldly, "could you put that down? we can't see." yes, daughter, that's the story of the day we didn't meet the beatles.

How Mom Wants to "Defrost" Frozen Shoulder

To: Sage
From: Mom

Subject: you promised

to help me put a nadine photo on my facebook home page.

to continue watching twin peaks with me on your computer that you hoard.

listen, mr. bigshot real estate mogul, i wouldn't want to resort to guilt because that's not what i'm all about. but as you know, i do have a frozen shoulder and that can easily lead to frozen torso, frozen legs, and frozen brain. i think with a little TLC from each of my children, maybe, just maybe, i can begin to defrost.

21st Birthday

To: Max
From: Mom

Plan on getting a phone call from me on your BIRTHDAY. Have a great weekend. Nothing stupid. Turning 21 is not a right-of-passage. It's just, unfortunately, another year older...and then older...and older. Until YOU'RE 57. Then you lose track of how old you are. (I honestly do.)

Will never forget the mad, scrunched-up punim on your face when you were born. You were SO PISSED at having been woken up. And you're no different now. I am convinced that baby's personalties are revealed at birth. Kate's face was awake, eyes open and looking all around, taking it all in. Very excited at having just discovered the world.

Love you........Mom

Tiger Woods

Me
I'm sorry...

Mom
You're like Tiger Woods. You're not sorry. You're sorry you got caught.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

From: Mom
To: Anna

Dad is going to get some baseball equipment from Andrew in Hingham for the kids in the Dominican Republic. I told him to tell Andrew that you're ~single~ again...what a nice young man.

x0x0, your 'retarded' mother

From: Mom
To: Jon

jonny, so sorry....i'm such a RETARD (as sarah palin doesn't want me to say).....when i received your email it gives me a choice to open as a pdf file or a 'web page'......and i was clicking on the web page which really makes it look
weird.....so problem solved. much love from your technologically challenged mother. x0x0

My Dad Is Too Cool For School...and the M2 Lounge.

From: Dad
To: Me
From: Facebook
To: Dad

Sean invited you to "PEACEMARKET 2010"
Event: PEACEMARKET 2010 What: Benefit
Start time: March 10 at 7:00pm Where: M2 Lounge

Should I go?  I thought PeaceMarket 2009 was disappointing. Plus the M2 louge is  so 2008.