Never Say Never

From: Dad
To: Family

“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”–Albert Einstein


From: Sage
To: Family

“I'm telling you, people. Everyday we wake up is another blessing. Follow your dreams and don't let anyone stop you. Never say never.” -Justin Bieber


From: Dad
To: Family

Please Justin Bieber, let me say never just once

Emails From Jack Uzi's Mother

Dear Jack Uzi,
I'm so proud you are finally so famous. I see you on the net recently, I knew my baby boy would grow up to be greatest rollerblader ever. You look beautiful, and body is great. Have you talked to Father recently? He would be so proud of your moves. Any ladies would be happy to have you wake up with them. We miss you, I wish internet would allow me to hand you borscht. I see you in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YRd07YOA2X0
love very much, come home soon, keep wind at your back,
-Mama Uzi

Your Sorry Bank Accounts...

Hi Boys,
I transferred $25 into each of your sorry bank accounts. This one is on me. $1 and change and $4 and change? really, boys?…. Please try to keep them over $25.  you know how I worry about fees.
Alex – thanks for getting Philip today. Bring your dry cleaning.
Jeff – Do I have all of your dry cleaning? 
Love you both,
Mom.

What Are You Doing November 6th?

From: Mom
Subject: hey! what are you doing november 6th?


to all you young women out there.  

only eleven days until the election.  we know you support obama, but some of us are more than a little concerned that you won't translate this into the verb of voting; that although you know there's much at stake, somehow it all seems abstract to you.

THIS ELECTION IS SO MUCH MORE THAN HAVING ACCESS TO THE MORNING-AFTER PILL (NOT TO MENTION THE EVENING-BEFORE PILL).   ALONG WITH AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, YOUR RIGHT TO CHOICES MAY VERY WELL VANISH.
  
you have to vote.  you have to vote.  you have to vote.  you have to vote.  you have to vote.  how can you not vote?  come on.  this is so IMPORTANT.  come on.  why am i so worried about you?  YOU HAVE TO VOTE.  PLEASE.  TELL ME YOU'LL VOTE.  YOU THINK I LIKE NAGGING LIKE THIS?

promise me.  sign your name and promise me you'll vote.  you won't be sorry.  in fact, you'll be the opposite of sorry, which is (wait, what is the opposite of sorry); whatever, you will be happy. 

THE EVANGELICALS ARE NOT NOISY BUT THEY WILL COME OUT IN DROVES.  WILL YOU COME OUT IN DROVES TOO?

BEST OF: DO NOT POST ABOUT YOUR BOOBS ON FACEBOOK!

One of my favorites from EFMM's "BEST OF."  See the full collection here. 

From: Mom
To: LS

You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on Facebook. I'm serious. AND DO NOT SEND THIS TO EFMM! Or, if you want to, go right ahead, maybe it will give some other young women good advice! OY. You don't see guys putting posts out there about how they wish their penises were bigger, do you? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN READ FACEBOOK, and it makes you sound dumb and like a young woman with low self-esteem. How about a quotation about a favorite piece of artwork instead? Okay, I'm done now. 


Love, your feminist since 8th grade wise and smart mother!!!!!!

The Daily Obama Nag


From: Mom
To: Me

this is so serious.  think of what a romney presidency would mean for you.
 
YOU CAN'T JUST SUPPORT OBAMA.  YOU MUST GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE FOR OBAMA ON ELECTION DAY.  GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE.  GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE.   FOR OBAMA.  ON ELECTION DAY.
 
YOU'RE TEARING OUT MY KISHKAS.  YOU MUST GO OUT OF YOUR  HOUSE AND VOTE.  ON ELECTION DAY.  FOR OBAMA.
 
TAPE A NOTE TO YOUR REFRIGERATOR:
 
"REMINDER:  NOVEMBER 6TH YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, THEN GO OUT OF THE HOUSE TO YOUR POLLING PLACE AND WHEN YOU GET THERE, VOTE FOR OBAMA.  
 
I'M NOT A NAG.  I AM JUST VERY CONCERNED THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE STAKES. 

The Doody Emporium

Sage: 
just saw a news headline that read "worker dies in tuna plant". i can't imagine a worse place to die than a tuna plant, jesus.

Dad:
Maybe the doody emporium is a worse place

Ghosts in Our Bathroom

From: JJ
To: Family

The frame on the top shelf in the kitchen just FELL DOWN RANDOMLY!!! creepy.  i think we have ghosts? 



From: Dad


I have ghosts in our bathroom and they are very helpful - one hands me the toilet paper, the other flushes the toilet...just like casper the friendly ghost.




From: Mom


That's why I married you!






I Had an X-Ray Today and They Found You In My Heart

A friend of mine posted a really sweet quote that her 10-year old daughter texted her.  So I emailed it to my mom...

To: Mom
From: Me

I had an x-ray today and they found you in my heart. They said I couldn't take you out because I would die without someone like you in my life....

From: Mom

To: Me

Did the doctors freak out and ask why there was a 64-year old woman in your heart?

My Dad's Band or Gangnam Style?

Note: My Dad created a band called "The Space Mutants" about 30 years ago.  They have a rockopera recorded on a cassette somewhere.  


To: Dad
From: Me




From: Dad
To: Me

Was that from the space mutant concert?  Btw I saw Peter in the crowd. 

That Bitch's Picture...


Asking advice from mom.  By "homepage" she means Facebook...

From: Anonymous Mom
i think it makes sense to start fresh and see where it goes.  if you start with demands of "did you miss me like i missed you" or "how could you do this to me" or "how could you post that bitch's picture on your home page"; if you go this route, i'm thinking you wouldn't be giving this a fair shot.
love,
mom


HOT as HELL

From: Mom
i woke up this a.m. to find the thermostat set at 74!!!!!!!
first of all, it should never be at 74, even if it's 3 degrees outside.
turn off the a/c if you're cold.  but do not overreact and turn the thermostat up to HELL level. seriously. it's as hot in here as it is in HELL. 
this is not funny. 74 is uncomfortable and unhealthy. 

mom

My "Alcohol With Pasta" Dream...


i need to tell you about my dream last night. 
it was a hospital setting, and this young female doctor told me she had to tend to something, and that i needed to sterilize all the tools.  i wasn't sure i could do it because sterilizing everything was an involved process and she had gone over it very quickly.  she very sweetly reassured me that she KNEW i could do it, and then she left. dad thought she was being condescending, but i knew she had faith in me. 

so i nervously started looking through those little white metal drawers and cabinets, and found some cloths and a bottle of antiseptic alcohol.  i wasn't sure if this is what i was supposed to use, but thought, "oh, what are the chances of a patient getting an infection."  then i realized the chances were quite high.   nevertheless, i slowly poured some alcohol onto a cloth.

curly pasta started coming out of the bottle.  i thought, "this can't be the correct alcohol" and i looked at the label and it said, "ALCOHOL WITH PASTA."  i frantically started searching for a pasta-free bottle of alcohol, when someone came in and told me i had to stop what i was doing and go back to my department.  i was very relieved to not have to deal with this.  


(feel free to interpret...)


mom

Friends With Any Leprechauns? Am I Being Mean?


From: Mom
To: BJ

someone left a black XXS jacket here. it either belongs to a girl or a very tiny boy. any idea who it belongs to? are you friends with any circus boys? or any leprechauns?  am i being mean?  i'm mean...

NOT SCREAMING

From: Mom
To:  Me

all cars need to be parked tonight on NEAR side of james street and  NO CARS IN FRONT OF  HOUSE.
 
(I AM NOT SCREAMING.  I AM JUST CAPITALIZING).

Nice and Tender

From: Me
To: Mom

i talked to liz. she's organizing a dinner for us and john for saturday night! excited to meet him!


From: Mom
To: Me


excellent.  john is so nice and so tender towards liz.  






Mommy Has No Dirt....

From: Mom
To: @randacovington
Subject: Dirt


1 pkg. oreos crushed
1 pkg. instant vanilla pudding
1 lg. container Cool Whip
1 pkg. gummy worms or real worms according to taste
1 8 oz. cream cheese

Refrigerate 3 or 4 hours.  Have fun eating but think about your poor mommy who has no dirt.

For All You Cat Lovers....

From: Mom
To: Family

For all you cat lovers!


http://www.catster.com/lifestyle/



From: JJ

To: Mom

If we're exchanging links...


http://i.imgur.com/Rx6OZ.png



From: Mom

To: JJ

wait wait wait.  WHAT??????????????????????????

????????????????

Can You Imagine Four Years of Romney?: The Weekly 'Vote!" Rant From Mom

From: Jolie
To: Mom

thank u for sending the pillow.

also, just wanted to let u know jeff and i both sent in our forms to register to vote.


From: Mom
To: Jolie


great.  glad you got that stuff, and great about you and jeff registering to vote. 
i don't want to sound obnoxious, but please tell all your friends how important it is to vote.  the youth vote is what is worrying some people (including me), because there are those of you who absolutely support obama, but just aren't motivated to vote. 
can you imagine four years of romney?  what a nightmare he is.  perfect hair and teeth living in a hollow suit.    

Wedding Expenses


From: Dad
To: JP
 
Please put any expenses for Emma's wedding on our joint credit card such as travel to Detroit, Boston, etc. clothing, party planning, or whatever else comes up (but don't buy her a car for a wedding gift).

After all, it is my fault Bethany is your Aunt, and the entire situation all flows from there.
 
Dad

Mom's Doppleganger

From: CJ
To: Family


julian casablancas (lead singer of The Strokes) is mom's doppelganger. let's discuss...


From: JJ
To: Family

way to destroy mom's ego. she clearly looks more like patti stanger. 


From: Mom
To: Family

i wasn't really using my self-esteem anyway.


VOTE VOTE VOTE


From: Mom
To: Kids

Remember kiddies: it's not enough (in fact it isn't anything) if you support obama and register to vote, but then on election day, you don't actually throw on some clothes, leave the house, somehow arrive at your voting precint, and VOTE FOR OBAMA.

votevotevotevotevotevotevote; tell all your friends to votevotevotevotevotevotevote.
don't just love obama; VOTE FOR OBAMA.


you kids, you worry me: VOTE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

About a Change Purse

From: Mom
To: Kids
Subject: about a change purse



did any of you see my change purse?  it was a little orange-ish purse that i kept my quarters in.  i wonder if one of you innocently took it to get some quarters and then forgot to return it?  pls let me know if you've seen it in your travels.  
thanks.
mum.

From: Mom
To: Kids


???


From: Mom
To: Kids
Subject: follow up



just thought you'd all want to know i found my little orange change purse.
thank you all for the endless concern and support, as well as for your tireless effort in your all-out search for my little orange purse.  
we will all sleep well tonight.

love,
mom

The Hideous Ceramic Cat

From: Mom
To: Fam


who brought in the tall and hideous ceramic cat that's sitting on the cabinet in the foyer, so it's the first thing that can ruin your night when you walk in the house after a hard day's work?

if it wasn't given to you by a dear friend, or by someone who now is dead, please remove it.  not to good will.  it would hurt good will's feelings.  

mom

Weenies!

From: JM
To: Dad


How do hot dogs and hamburgers for lunch sound?


From: Dad
To: JM



Weenies for lunch! What a treat mmmmmmm

Tattoos Are Permanent...

"Tattoos are permanent. When you wake up next to him and his disgusting tattooed arm touches you, you'll wish you listened to me."--anonymous mom

Everyday I Turn On Youtube...

From: Mom
To: Jess


How come I click on you tube, but not working!!

I was real mad, because every day I turn on you tube for one hr to look up the Vietnamese and Thai recipe and the Chinese street food and Indonesian street food and the Chinese song, but since yesterday all in a sudden it didn't work.

For Mother's Day I Want...

From: Mom


for mother's day i want:
three good children. 
just kidding.  i would like shoes by the otz brand, a pair in viola. 
i always try to make life easier for you.  thank me later.

mom

CUT YOUR HAIR!



From: Mom

a nag, yes.  but also a loving and wise fashionologist: your hair needs a trim.  
your hair is now taller than you are. you're starting to resemble cousin it.  your ends are pleading for their last rites.  it's time to get your hair healthy.  you could trim six inches off and still have hair that you can trip over.   
(just sayin')

Kegels

From: Mom
To: Wendy


Remember, if you want to avoid having the surgery I just had, do your kegels. And don't lift a lot of heavy stuff.

xoxo Mom

Mitch McConnell: A Mother's Hatred

To: Me
From: Mom


i just wanted to say something.  we were talking about mitch mcconnell, the republican from kentucky who is the senate minority leader, and who has said the republicans' goal is to defeat obama.  that's what he said; that is the goal.  not a focus on less war or more  jobs, or anything specific that would help the american people, but simply to defeat obama.
i get sick when i look at mitch mcconnell.  i just know he has bad breath. 

Emails From My (Vietnamese) Mother

This is an email my Vietnamese mother sent me---she resides in Vietnam most of the year.-- (@SammiRutschman)

To: Sammi
From: Mom


Dear all my beautiful lady.


I am better, the pain in all of my one leg is extreme but if I take pain pill I am ok.
We have a good help now on working at the house and keep the tree and plant great.
The person is 19 year old. When he about 5 year old he have an accident and lost all he man hook [manhood] he dont have the male thing and he at like girl.
But super clean and good cook and work great. and he a mountain man only a few of them they call them Cham. 
It about midnight here I take the medicine that help my nerves so I not sleep much. and very tired.
I do love all of you and hardly waiting to see you. 


Mom



So You're Single on Valentine's Day: A Reminder From My Mom


The V-Day cards and gifts have arrived!  



"Dont you just love this? You can comb her hair, Chloe!"


And for my 27-year old brother, a walking penguin and a card... 






5 Minutes Late...

To: Mom
From: RG

How was the doctor?  What did he say?



From: Mom
To: RG

When we got there, the lady at the desk told us "well, you're 5 minutes late, so you should just go right up and pay after" and rolled her eyes.  I couldn't believe it...5 minutes late for us is the equivalent of being 20 minutes early.  

No Sound on This Computer?


From: Mom


i have no sound on this computer. is there a way to get sound? when i tab onto that speaker logo, like on u tube, it doesn't work. is it possible there is no sound on this computer or am i missing something? (please answer with kindness.)

BEST OF: Mom Flips Out Over Lost Suede Jacket

From: Mom
Subject: important
To: SJ

where is your suede jacket. this is unbelieveable. because you've always loved that jacket and have worn it for - what four years now - as a gift to you, i paid $55 to have the zipper (and all buttons) repaired on that jacket, and you LEFT IT SOMEWHERE?! i treat you like a child???!!!!! and where were your dress pants? ya think you'd know where you took them off, wouldn't ya? it only took a month to locate them, lying around somewhere on the third floor.
WHERE IS THAT JACKET. if you should remember where you last put it, and if it should still be there, i would like to donate it to a kid who gives a shit.
mom



All of our 'BEST OF' EMAILS are HERE!

Mom on 'Alana Del Ray' Video

From: Megan
I made a funny video thing! 
You can watch it here: (Shit Lana Del Ray Says)
I hope you like it!
It's dumb. It's sooooo dumb.

From: Mom
To: Megan

Hi Megan,  Thanks for sending your video link. We always enjoy watching you. We had to research Alana del Ray (found out her real name is Lizzie Grant). Are you going to put it on youtube? Then you can see how many hits it gets, right? You are beautiful even when you're portraying a "dizzie broad." We love you, Mom & Dad

BURNING MAN

To: Family
From: LJ

i love THIS! anyone wanna go to burning man?



To: Family
From: Dad

I think I may be smoldering right now.  Do you have to camp out and are there bugs? 

Tiny White Bowl That Sat Next to Tiny And Serious Chinese Man is Missing

From: Mom
To: Me

you asked me to describe the tiny white bowl that i've been looking for, for about a week now.  i can't think of any new way to describe it.  i'm thinking if you find a tiny white bowl, you won't be asking yourself if this is the one i'm referring to.   it's about the diameter of a quarter.
 
i always kept it on the shelf in the bathroom, on top of the little rock where that tiny and serious chinese man is sitting with folded legs.  don't mock me.  i think the tiny and serious chinese man was originally an ornament for a bonsai plant we couldn't keep alive.  i have no idea where the tiny white bowl came from, but it just looked right, sitting beside the tiny and serious chinese man. 
 
so please let me know if you find it.
 
mom

Germs

From: JS
To: Mom


FYI, I sneezed on the blanket on the couch by accident. dunno if u wanted to wash it or not.  Also, the remotes may or may not be covered in germs. 



From: Mom
To: JS

oh, don't be silly.  why would i want to wash the blanket that now has your wet flu germs all over it?
 
does it please you to be disgusting?  this is right up there with your brother saying he doesn't believe in bacteria.

Four-Year-Old Puppet Makes Art

From: Me
To: Family

THIS is ridiculous.


From: Dad

I’m pretty sure it’s not a 4 year old but a puppet… and the parents are probably artists (con artists) and the paint was photoshopped.  This art video is weirder than the republican debates.