Note from Secretary/Mom

This is literally the 3rd email I've gotten this month, regarding an eye exam. I feel like I'm getting a little old for doctors reminders, but my mom insists...Thanks, secretary Shelley.

From: Mom
To: Me

hello. shelley secretary here. (i'm looking for a new line of work.)
according to my records, you are way overdue for an eye exam. there are several doctors you can choose from (unfortunately, none of their exams include toy puppies that light up and move back and forth on a shelf across the room; nor do they offer treasure chest prizes to well-behaved 23-year-olds).
still and all, you're way overdue for an eye exam.

I’m in the greenhouse and don’t want to come up

Note from Peter:
My really boring uncle who is a college professor was over for dinner recently, and decided to fill the uncomfortable silence by lecturing us about Walden Pond. Apparently this pond is in MA and is famous, and because we lived in Boston for four years, really needed to know about it. My phone beeped mid lecture with an email from my mom, who I then realized had been MIA from the conversation for a good amount of time...

From: Mom
To: Peter

And then there was this guy named Walden?

And he was the original hippie?

And he built a hippie cabin and it had a pond and it was called Walden Pond.


Rate your Professor. I’m in the greenhouse and don’t want to come up.

BEST OF: Before It Finally Petered Out To...

From: Me
Subject: David Sedaris quote
To: Mom

"It often seems that my brother and I were raised in two completely different households. He's eleven years younger than I am, and by the time he reached high school, the rest of us had all left home. When I was young, we weren't allowed to say "shut up," but by the time Paul reached his teens, it had become acceptable to shout, "Shut your motherfucking mouth." The drug laws had changed as well. "No smoking pot" became "No smoking pot in the house," before it finally petered out to "Please don't smoke any pot in the living room."-Me Talk Pretty One Day

From: Mom
Re: David Sedaris quote
To: Me

yeah, well, i still mean it: NO SMOKING - ANYTHING - IN MY CAR. every time i drive my car, everything i'm wearing gets smoked. and i want my clicker back, please.

RE: Cat Bag

From: Mom
To: Me
RE: cat bag
so now people think i'm this demented woman who sends her daughter dead leaves in a cat bag. jolie, did you not make a REQUEST for autumn leaves, since you don't have autumn in boring, barren, concrete l.a.? so dad and i walk around newton last sunday, keeping our heads down, peeling only the most special, prettiest leaves off the moist pavement. when we get back home, i spread the leaves all across our dining room table so they can dry overnight (forcing us to eat our meals on the crappy kitchen table). the next morning, i purchase this cute little trick-or-treat cat-face bag and and fill it with the leaves. i send it off to you promptly. no, wait. i send it off to you promptly PRIORITY MAIL. i'm all excited, just knowing this will absolutely cheer up little miss "how are you? not good".
why don't i ever follow my first instinct: scratch the leaf thing; go to the 25% off all corduroy sale at j. jill.

Cat Bag...

Mom sent me this cat bag filled with leaves. -Jolie

Sassy Texts w/ Dad

Me: I had a dream last night you wore black sequined leggings. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN????!!!!

Dad: It mens ur a crzy beatch or u found out bout my part time job

(special thnx to SV)

Just So Everyone Knows, A Detailed Update

To: Entire Family
From: Mom
(Thanks Erica!)

greetings... for you you know about Erica's surgery... a quick update...

yesterday she had her tonsils out...she is doing fine... as expected she has a really sore throat today... but as an outpatient procedure it went well... She is planning to be back at work on Tuesday. I recommend taking the tonsils out sooner if needed... our doctor never saw the need, but she ended up getting strep throats all the time.... so hopefully this will be the end of that chapter. :)

It's pretty much raining every day in Binghamton....

(submitted by Megan)

Me: I hung out with a boy this weekend who's going to law school
Mom: Who ees dis hombre?

Like Mother Like Daughter: Ambien, Plz

I'm having trouble sleeping after work. I work till 4am. So I text my mom this morning at 5am..."I would like a prescription for ambien." She texts me 5 minutes later. "Me, too."

(Thanks KS!!!).

BEST OF EFMM: My Dad & Craigslist

This is one of my favorite emails of all time, that is now a part of our new BEST OF section! Don't forget to check it out.
I'm trying to sublet my apartment and my Dad, since it is his BLING, is really pushing it. But I never have luck on Craigslist, especially when trying to sublet an apartment. It's always people who speak in broken english. One guy asked me if his family of 5 could fit in the room. My dad is so persistant with trying to sublet, he's like "what's wrong with that!? Show it tomorrow!"

From: Me
To: Dad
SEE dad, these are the type of people that respond to ads in Allston!
-----Original Message-----
From: yichin
To: Me
Subject: $700 / 1br - 1br UTILITIES INCLUDED! SUBLET ASAP (Allston)

daer there,

I'm interested in your room, can i ask the gender of the two other roommates? and which floor is it? I'm also in hury.

Pls reply me asap.

To: Me
From: Dad

What’s wrong with those questions? I suggest you answer asap and I can be there when you show the apt.


Family Work Out

To: Me
From: Dad

Oh, and another thing. I realized that we have the Fitness Channel, so every night we're going to put on Gillad Janklowicz and work out with him.

Evil of Cell Phones

To: JB
From: Mom
Subject: Fwd: Cell Phones

Just stick to FB and tweeting. lol.
Love, Mom

Just think of what is happening to all those people who walk around with their cell phone stuck to their ear all day! This is really insane!

Click on the link below to see something you've never seen before....And we put these next to our heads? If you or anyone you know has a cell phone be sure and watch this.

To: Julia
From: Mom
Subject: FW: A child's prayer

A very touching child's prayer

Dear God,
Please send clothes for all those poor ladies in Dad's computer.


H1N1, etc

To: Meghan, Katie
From: Dad

Just read the article on the Miami College student. Wash your hands a lot,don't share food with anyone and if and as soon as you feel sick, go see a doctor !!!

This N1 flu thing is too real to take out a perfectly healthy college age student !

Otherwise how are you both doing?
Meg when can we set up a Skype season, can it be 3 ways?
Katie, I think were coming up Sat to see your game.
Molly's making us crazy again.
Anyhow that's the news here, wash your hands!