BEST OF: Mom Flips Out Over Lost Suede Jacket

From: Mom
Subject: important
To: SJ

where is your suede jacket. this is unbelieveable. because you've always loved that jacket and have worn it for - what four years now - as a gift to you, i paid $55 to have the zipper (and all buttons) repaired on that jacket, and you LEFT IT SOMEWHERE?! i treat you like a child???!!!!! and where were your dress pants? ya think you'd know where you took them off, wouldn't ya? it only took a month to locate them, lying around somewhere on the third floor. WHERE IS THAT JACKET. if you should remember where you last put it, and if it should still be there, i would like to donate it to a kid who gives a shit. mom

All of our 'BEST OF' EMAILS are HERE!

VOICEMAIL: "you're starting to look like a dyke"

See the entire "BEST OF' collection HERE.

(NEW!) BEST OF: Do Not Post About Your Boobs on Facebook

From: Mom

To: LS

You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday, and/or trying to make contacts in Europe with adults who might employ you. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on facebook. I'm serious. AND DO NOT SEND THIS TO EFMM! Or, if you want to, go right ahead, maybe it will give some other young women good advice! OY. You don't see guys putting posts out there about how they wish their penises were bigger, do you? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN READ FACEBOOK, and it makes you sound dumb and like a young woman with low self-esteem. How about a quotation about a favorite piece of artwork instead? Okay, I'm done now. 

Love, your feminist since 8th grade wise and smart mother!!!!!!

Mother/Daughter Chat Syllabus

From: Mom
To: Me


my little munchkin, when are we going to have a lovely mother/daughter chat?  after seeing grandma tonight, i'm having dinner with ellen so could we have a lovely mother/daughter chat tomorrow?

topics to be covered:

the importance of condoms
the importance of sobriety
the importance of voting
the importance of taking a shower
the importance of not dressing like a slut
the importance of sharing your private life with your mother

THE SLUTTY WHITE SHORTS CHRONICLES

From: Mom
To: Me

i love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.

mom.

From: Mom
To: Me

i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.

another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.

so don't tell me.

From: Mom

To: Me

i cannot tell a lie: kallie threw out the sluttywhiteshorts.

just kidding. i did. but, listen. think of the anguish and torment i went through before i did it. it was my own personalsophie's choice:

i had to temporarily lie to my daughter (and you KNOW i'm a big fan of truth), or else risk having something bad happen to her because she wouldn't stop wearing slutttywhiteshorts.

can you ever forgive me?

mom.

Browse through our entire "BEST OF EFMM" section HERE.

BEST OF: "You're Starting to Look Like a Dyke."

From: Mom

To: Beth

SEE THE ENTIRE BEST OF COLLECTION HERE.

BEST OF: WE'RE NOT A FILL UP STATION

Check out the "BEST OF" EFMM, HERE!

From: Mom

To: Me
Subject: running on empty

hey, pals.

we're not a fill-up station. quit leaving the car in the driveway that's completely out of gas, and driving away with the one that's full.

if it's very low, please put at least SOME gas in the car before returning it to us.

BEST OF: Before It Finally Petered Out To...

From: Me

Subject: David Sedaris quote

To: Mom

"It often seems that my brother and I were raised in two completely different households. He's eleven years younger than I am, and by the time he reached high school, the rest of us had all left home. When I was young, we weren't allowed to say "shut up," but by the time Paul reached his teens, it had become acceptable to shout, "Shut your motherfucking mouth." The drug laws had changed as well. "No smoking pot" became "No smoking pot in the house," before it finally petered out to "Please don't smoke any pot in the living room."-Me Talk Pretty One Day

From: Mom

Re: David Sedaris quote

To: Me

yeah, well, i still mean it: NO SMOKING - ANYTHING - IN MY CAR. every time i drive my car, everything i'm wearing gets smoked. and i want my clicker back, please.

The Suede Jacket

From: Mom
Subject: important
To: Sage

where is your suede jacket. this is unbelieveable. because you've always loved that jacket and have worn it for - what four years now - as a gift to you, i paid $55 to have the zipper (and all buttons) repaired on that jacket, and you LEFT IT SOMEWHERE?! i treat you like a child???!!!!! and where were your dress pants? ya think you'd know where you took them off, wouldn't ya? it only took a month to locate them, lying around somewhere on the third floor. WHERE IS THAT JACKET. if you should remember where you last put it, and if it should still be there, i would like to donate it to a kid who gives a shit. mom

There's a Brand New Baby At Katie's House

From: Me
To: Mom

http://www.truveo.com/Moms-Having-A-Baby/id/36028815164230255

remember..."there's a brand new baby at katie's house"?


From: Mom
To: Me

that is THE best. can you find out how old katie is now and what she is doing? i need to know.



From: Me
To: Mom

i looked, i couldn't really find anything. i used to think she had downes syndrome



From: Mom
To: Me


what do you mean? she does have downes syndrome...



From: Me
To: Mom

oh.....


From: Mom
To: Me

her parents were so wonderful. i'll bet she has a job and is functioning well.

MY MOM THROWS OUT THE SLUTTY WHITE SHORTS! AND COMPARES HER DECISION TO SOPHIE'S CHOICE

Subject: sluttywhiteshorts
From: Mom

To: Me

i cannot tell a lie: kallie threw out the sluttywhiteshorts.

just kidding. i did. but, listen. think of the anguish and torment i went through before i did it. it was my own personal sophie's choice:

i had to temporarily lie to my daughter (and you KNOW i'm a big fan of truth), or else risk having something bad happen to her because she wouldn't stop wearing slutttywhiteshorts.

can you ever forgive me?

mom.

letter from moody mother; more on the slutty white shorts

Subject: slutty white shorts and mood swings
From: Mom
To: Me

i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.

another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.

so don't tell me.

My Dad & Craigslist

This is from my dad. i'm trying to sublet my apartment and my dad, since it is his BLING is really pushing it. But I never have luck on Craigslist, especially when trying to sublet an apartment. It's always people who speak in broken english. One guy asked me if his family of 5 could fit in the room. My dad is so persistant with trying to sublet, he's like "what's wrong with that!? Show it tomorrow!"


(ORIGINAL MESSAGE):

FWD TO: DAD

From: yichin
To: Me
Subject: $700 / 1br UTILITIES INCLUDED! SUBLET ASAP (Allston)

daer there,

I'm interested in your room, can i ask the gender of the two other roommates? and which floor is it? I'm also in hury.

Pls reply me asap.

yichin


To: Dad

From: Me

SEE dad, these are the type of people that respond to ads in Allston!


To: Me
From: Dad

What’s wrong with those questions? I suggest you answer asap and I can be there when you show the apt.

-Dad


What's wrong with those questions? What's wrong is that she forgot a few words in her email. What's wrong is that she starts her email with "daer there."

From: Mom
To: Me


i love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.

mom.