Good One, MOM!

To: Mom
From: Me
Subject: [EMAILS FROM] New comment on BEST OF EFMM: Slutty White Shorts

someone responded to an EFMM post (the slutty white shorts one). check it out, mom...

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "BEST OF EFMM: Slutty White Shorts":

Was that mother drunk?

To: Me
From: Mom
Subject: Re:

was "anonymous" not bright?
From: Mom
To: Brit
Subject: hi

Are you all moved? Let me know your new address. Don't forgot to put your names on the mail box. I have your pills. And birthday present. Did you sent the Verizon phone back? Is Steve feeling better? How's work? Do I ask a lot of questions????


Wedding Review, Love Mom

[Dave=uncle. Leila & Gina= cousins]

From: Mom
To: Brit

Dave got married Sat. and poor Leila was crying all through the ceremony. She's so unhappy that he got remarried. Plus at the reception he made her eat prime rib instead of the chicken fingers that she wanted. He let Gina eat the chicken fingers but not her. Maybe you can IM her or email her and see if she wants to talk about anything. She always looks up to you like a big sister. I hope she doesn't grow up to hate men.


[Special Thnx to BW for the fabulous emails!]

Halloweenie Mom Package

Card from cat bag Halloweenie package:

Dad's FB Friends (Cont'd)

As I've mentioned before, my Dad has been binge-adding "celebrities" on Facebook. He usually informs the family when they've accepted. A good chunk of these celebrities are usually dead (he was unaware Robert Altman had died, and was disappointed upon this discovery, as he thought it was actually Robert Altman's Facebook page). He has also written on (the real) Bob Saget's wall, in hopes of a response. 

From: Dad
To: Me

Re: F Word

To: Mom, Family
Subject: Interview

Just wanted to let you all know....

I have an interview tomorrow to work on the OSCARS as a "Press Guide" (whatever the fuck that is)...this would be SUCH A GREAT OPPORTUNITY.

From: Mom
Re: Interview

good luck, dearie. try not to use the "f" word during the interview. it reflects poorly on your parents.

BEST OF EFMM: Slutty White Shorts

Subject: slutty white shorts and mood swings
From: Mom
To: Me

i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.

another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.

so don't tell me.

My Dad's New Facebook Friends

Cute, Dad...

From: Dad
To: Family
Subject: Jeff Garlin confirmed you as a friend on Facebook...

I'm now friends with Jeff Garlin, Elayne Boosler, Tom Dreseen, Wendy Liebman, Bob Saget and many other famous comedians who you never heard of.
I'm thinking of doing my standup act again and talking about all of you. You all better behave -Woo hoo!

From: Bro
To: Family

I don't know how everyone else feels, but I'm just glad he found a purpose again...

From: Dad
To: Family

I'm using that in my act.

I'm also friends with Rob Corddry (Daily show), A. Whitney Brown (wrote for SNL) and Jonathan Katz (created Dr. Katz). Jealous aren't you. I've blown you all away on facebook and I'm 58!

One last thing: If you all aren't much nicer to me, I might de-friend you on facebook and only hang with my fellow celebrity comedian friends.

From: Sis
To: Family

Robert Altman died three years ago...but you said he's your FB friend?

From: Dad
To: Family

Yes, I'm friending celebrities who I admire who are both dead and alive. The dead ones don't respond as quickly as the ones who are alive.

A Pre-Thanksgiving Family Request

To: Family
From: Jolie
Subject: Request

I'm putting in a request right now before it's too late (so everyone has enough time to process my request)....
Please don't tell me that I gained weight or that I'm fat at all during the week that you are here. Just wait until December when I'm home.
Is this OK with everyone?

To: Family
From: Dad
Re: Request

I will honor it and request that considering how tough things are this year that we all make a sincere effort to be extraordinarily kind to each other.

Disgarding Puppy Slippers

From: Mom

Subject: oh, you know


while you were on your mini-vacation i took the liberty of washing your bedding. but while i was in your room, i made the mistake of looking inside your closet. so now my question is: do you think it would be all right and do you think it might be time to discard your once-comfy blue doggie slippers that you've had since, oh i don't know, maybe third grade? i think they're starting to grow penicillin.