From Mom:
To: Family
I saw this quote today from Mother Teresa:
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotton that we belong to each other."
My wish: nobody's rolling their eyes and saying "what a bunch of crap."
Lesbihonest, Aunt Alice Was A Lesbian
From: JJ
To: The Fam
I thought I might see Aunt Alice on THIS list.
From: SJ
too lazy to open the link. is it top 10 lesbians or something?
From: Mom
okay. let's get the record straight. my beloved aunt alice (RIP) was NOT a lesbian. though there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian. though my aunt alice may have thought something would be wrong with being a lesbian. but she would be wrong.
i miss my aunt alice. she was such a nice heterosexual.
From: SJ
did you see her haircut, mom? lesbihonest, aunt alice was a lesbian. bless her lesbian soul.
From: Mom
no, aunt alice wasn't a lesbian.
by the way, i'm feeling very guilty now. this started when you three were young and used to say "that's so gay" and i would reply, "you KNOW, aunt alice is a lesbian. there's nothing wrong with being gay!" i made it up. out of the blue. she isn't alive and i'm feeling disrespectful now, both to my aunt and to the gay community. can we please move on?
brother, the more i talk about it, the more legs this thing gets...
Pro-Date, Pro-Occupy!
To: Dad
From: CJ
Read the articles below on dates. They should be an official staple of our shopping lists from now on!
To: CJ
From: Dad
I am pro-date (tho not eharmony.com), pro-fig, and pro-Occupy everything!
From: CJ
Read the articles below on dates. They should be an official staple of our shopping lists from now on!
To: CJ
From: Dad
I am pro-date (tho not eharmony.com), pro-fig, and pro-Occupy everything!
You Go Girl!
[In response to me winning a costume contest dressed as Amy Winehouse]:
To: Demi
From: Mom
Go girl. you saw it, believed it and you did it!
To: Demi
From: Mom
Go girl. you saw it, believed it and you did it!
Onesies For The Family
From: JJ
To: Family
Thoughts on THIS? i think we should buy matching pjs for the fam and wear them on christmas morning.
From: Dad
To: Family
Do they come in XXXXXL?
From: Mom
To: Family
I think it's a groovy idea. does everyone want this as their Chanukah gift?
To: Family
Thoughts on THIS? i think we should buy matching pjs for the fam and wear them on christmas morning.
From: Dad
To: Family
Do they come in XXXXXL?
From: Mom
To: Family
I think it's a groovy idea. does everyone want this as their Chanukah gift?
I Want To Know....
From: Mom
To: Megan
Who's the date with? Is it the perverted guy that you and E were checking out at home?Where are you going? Did the guy come to work on your loft bed - is he your date?...Is your roommate all moved in and where are you sleeping? How are things going with your roommate? Did you hang the mirror and do you have a room divider up yet?...I want to know...
Love ,
Yo Momma
vaporizers
To: Megan
Who's the date with? Is it the perverted guy that you and E were checking out at home?Where are you going? Did the guy come to work on your loft bed - is he your date?...Is your roommate all moved in and where are you sleeping? How are things going with your roommate? Did you hang the mirror and do you have a room divider up yet?...I want to know...
Love ,
Yo Momma
vaporizers
PERFUME ADVISORY
just wanted to send along another advisory about perfume. to reiterate:
THE PURPOSE OF WEARING PERFUME IS TO SMELL NICE.
THE PURPOSE OF WEARING PERFUME IS NOT TO DROWN OUT EVERY OTHER SURROUNDING SCENT (NOR TO COVER UP POOR PERSONAL HYGIENE ISSUES). AND ALSO IT SHOULDN'T CAUSE ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH THE WEARER TO SUDDENLY FEEL EXTREME DIZZINESS OR THE ONSET OF A SEVERE HEADACHE.
love,
mom
buy volcano vaporizer
THE PURPOSE OF WEARING PERFUME IS TO SMELL NICE.
THE PURPOSE OF WEARING PERFUME IS NOT TO DROWN OUT EVERY OTHER SURROUNDING SCENT (NOR TO COVER UP POOR PERSONAL HYGIENE ISSUES). AND ALSO IT SHOULDN'T CAUSE ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO COME IN CONTACT WITH THE WEARER TO SUDDENLY FEEL EXTREME DIZZINESS OR THE ONSET OF A SEVERE HEADACHE.
love,
mom
buy volcano vaporizer
What Happened on The Bachelorette?
From: Mom
To: Me
What happened on The Bachelorette? I'm sure I could google it but I'd rather hear it from you.
From: Me
To: Mom
Ames got "kicked off." She just didn't feel a strong enough connection with him. Her feelings for J.P. are growing stronger. Fiji next week!
From: Mom
To: Me
Is Ames the nice guy with the big forehead?
To: Me
What happened on The Bachelorette? I'm sure I could google it but I'd rather hear it from you.
From: Me
To: Mom
Ames got "kicked off." She just didn't feel a strong enough connection with him. Her feelings for J.P. are growing stronger. Fiji next week!
From: Mom
To: Me
Is Ames the nice guy with the big forehead?
Kerfuffle?
From: Mom
To: Sage
KERFUFFLE! that's the word i keep hearing and never heard before lately.
To: Sage
KERFUFFLE! that's the word i keep hearing and never heard before lately.
And the Dentist Nags Continue...
To: Family
From: Mom
there are three people in dad's office that go to a dentist in newton that they all love. we are all due for dental checkups so i wondered if we should try to set up some appointments.
(only problem is the three people in dad's office who see this dentist are beautiful women, so i'm not sure if you have to be a beautiful woman to see him, in which case dad would be the only one pre-qualified.)
mumz
From: Mom
there are three people in dad's office that go to a dentist in newton that they all love. we are all due for dental checkups so i wondered if we should try to set up some appointments.
(only problem is the three people in dad's office who see this dentist are beautiful women, so i'm not sure if you have to be a beautiful woman to see him, in which case dad would be the only one pre-qualified.)
mumz
Centipede Leaves a Note
To: Mom
fyi the pillow on the floor in the livingroom probably has a dead centipede under it. i saw ANOTHER one and it was the only thing in reach. afraid to move it in case centipede is still alive. ewww ewww ewww
From: Mom
| dad lifted the pillow. no centipede was there. but he left a note. said he is hurt that you have not made him feel welcome in your home. and that it was his home first. and that he's hoping you can become friends in the future. he suggested maybe you could get together for a drink in cambridge. he also said that it is not easy to have been born with a hundred legs. that he tries to accept it but the jokes still sting. he said he's disappointed that you, of all people, aren't more accepting. |
< 3
Me:first you have to type a < then 3 and it looks like a heart. kind of.
Dad (on g chat): ♥ ???
Me: nice!
Dad: How the fuck did it turn over and turn red???
Dad (on g chat): ♥ ???
Me: nice!
Dad: How the fuck did it turn over and turn red???
(NEW!) BEST OF: Do Not Post About Your Boobs on Facebook
From: Mom
To: LS
You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday, and/or trying to make contacts in Europe with adults who might employ you. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on facebook. I'm serious. AND DO NOT SEND THIS TO EFMM! Or, if you want to, go right ahead, maybe it will give some other young women good advice! OY. You don't see guys putting posts out there about how they wish their penises were bigger, do you? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN READ FACEBOOK, and it makes you sound dumb and like a young woman with low self-esteem. How about a quotation about a favorite piece of artwork instead? Okay, I'm done now.
Love, your feminist since 8th grade wise and smart mother!!!!!!
The Trash Goddess
From: Dad
To: Landlord
CC: Family
In response to your email about recyclables, where does the glass go?
From: Landlord
To: Dad
Glass, plastic and metal cans all go together.
From: Mom
To: Dad
i know i have been away for a while. but excuse me. i am the trash goddess. in the future, please direct all your trash and recycle queries to ME.
it's a matter of respect.
From: Dad
To: Mom
Trash goddess? Maybe you should tour with Charlie Sheen. I'll back off on all future garbage initiatives.
Mother/Daughter Chat Syllabus
From: Mom
To: Me
my little munchkin, when are we going to have a lovely mother/daughter chat? after seeing grandma tonight, i'm having dinner with ellen so could we have a lovely mother/daughter chat tomorrow?
topics to be covered:
the importance of condoms
the importance of sobriety
the importance of voting
the importance of taking a shower
the importance of not dressing like a slut
the importance of sharing your private life with your mother
To: Me
my little munchkin, when are we going to have a lovely mother/daughter chat? after seeing grandma tonight, i'm having dinner with ellen so could we have a lovely mother/daughter chat tomorrow?
topics to be covered:
the importance of condoms
the importance of sobriety
the importance of voting
the importance of taking a shower
the importance of not dressing like a slut
the importance of sharing your private life with your mother
Lean Cuisines
From: Mom
To: Family
Subject: don't eat lean cuisine's spaghetti and meatball dinner
for those of you who still eat lean cuisine, their spaghetti and meatball dinner has been recalled.
To: Family
Subject: don't eat lean cuisine's spaghetti and meatball dinner
for those of you who still eat lean cuisine, their spaghetti and meatball dinner has been recalled.
Funemployment
From: Dad
To: SJ
Subject: ADP shows 217,000 private-sector jobs added in Feb.
Good time to hit the market...things are picking up.
From: SJ
To: Dad
Thanks DAD. WORK IS ON THE WAY!!! although I just got my first response back from an employer. They are from Africa and want me to give them my social security and $150 for a credit report before they interview me :/
From: Dad
To: SJ
I like your can do attitude!!!!!!!
GET THIS FUCKING CAT OFF MY HEAD
so i had this dream last night. i was alone in this office and this woman comes in with her kids. i thought she must've been the boss' wife, though she didn't say so. there was a large porcelain orange cat right where they came in, and one of her kids started freaking out. i said, "it's not real, it's not real." then the mom said the same thing to reassure the kid and he calmed down. but then a real cat in the same orange colour was standing right in front of me. i thought it came in with the family. it had an attack look in its eyes. i was so scared and then it jumped on my head. it was making horrible sounds, like it was about to maim me, and the woman just walked around the office non-chalantly while her cat was planning on killing me. so i started screaming at her, "GET THIS FUCKING CAT OFF MY HEAD!"
afterwards, still in the dream, i was talking to other people about the incident, saying things like, "it was okay that i was angry, right? she should've taken the cat off my head right away, right?"
so hunny, what do you think?
afterwards, still in the dream, i was talking to other people about the incident, saying things like, "it was okay that i was angry, right? she should've taken the cat off my head right away, right?"
so hunny, what do you think?
Keep the Faith, Baby
This is mostly just really sweet. Especially my Dad's response!
From: Mom
To: The Family
i know you all think i'm psycho about this kind of stuff, but this site is honest and real, and it helps people and non-people in need. (if you all weren't so jaded, you'd know it's true.)
go to the place where you "click", not to the "store." every day there is a heartwarming story. check out today's story about elijah the cat. fabulous.
the tabs to click are on top of the page, providing among other things free mammos and nutrition to children and animals in need; you can even save part of the rain forest. how about checking it out today, even if just today.
it's like, if you can sit in your kitchen wearing just a bathrobe and from right where you are, in about a minute, you can help sustain life in your universe, why not?
i'm well aware that non-believers like sage are sure this is a scam. if it is, all i can say is i've been clicking for a number of years now, and other than my car being towed in somerville the other day, i have not been scammed.
love,
mom
From: Dad
I did it and it wasn't painful. In fact, I feel good.
And here's my first 2011 toast to mom - the world would be a better place with more good souls like you. Keep the faith baby
From: Mom
To: The Family
i know you all think i'm psycho about this kind of stuff, but this site is honest and real, and it helps people and non-people in need. (if you all weren't so jaded, you'd know it's true.)
go to the place where you "click", not to the "store." every day there is a heartwarming story. check out today's story about elijah the cat. fabulous.
the tabs to click are on top of the page, providing among other things free mammos and nutrition to children and animals in need; you can even save part of the rain forest. how about checking it out today, even if just today.
it's like, if you can sit in your kitchen wearing just a bathrobe and from right where you are, in about a minute, you can help sustain life in your universe, why not?
i'm well aware that non-believers like sage are sure this is a scam. if it is, all i can say is i've been clicking for a number of years now, and other than my car being towed in somerville the other day, i have not been scammed.
love,
mom
From: Dad
I did it and it wasn't painful. In fact, I feel good.
And here's my first 2011 toast to mom - the world would be a better place with more good souls like you. Keep the faith baby
Chinese Mothers
From JP to EFMM: My dad sent this email about this tyrannic Chinese mother without any context, followed by the message below.
From: Dad
To: JP & Hil
Subject: Chinese Mothers
_____________________________________________________
Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
CAN A REGIMEN OF NO PLAYDATES, NO TV, NO COMPUTER GAMES AND HOURS OF MUSIC PRACTICE CREATE HAPPY KIDS? AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY FIGHT BACK?
By AMY CHUA
A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.
(FULL ARTICLE)
_____________________________________________________
From: Dad
Thinking about becoming Chinese. We might need to start over in parenting you. You guys up for it?
No Godzilla movies!! (is that Chinese?) ...Whatever
From: Dad
To: JP & Hil
Subject: Chinese Mothers
_____________________________________________________
Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior
CAN A REGIMEN OF NO PLAYDATES, NO TV, NO COMPUTER GAMES AND HOURS OF MUSIC PRACTICE CREATE HAPPY KIDS? AND WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY FIGHT BACK?
By AMY CHUA
A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it's like inside the family, and whether they could do it too. Well, I can tell them, because I've done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do:
• attend a sleepover
• have a playdate
• be in a school play
• complain about not being in a school play
• watch TV or play computer games
• choose their own extracurricular activities
• get any grade less than an A
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin
• not play the piano or violin.
(FULL ARTICLE)
_____________________________________________________
From: Dad
Thinking about becoming Chinese. We might need to start over in parenting you. You guys up for it?
No Godzilla movies!! (is that Chinese?) ...Whatever
My Classic Momism
To: Peter
Mom. Nice thought, but, in case you have forgotten, you have never once said that to either of us. I hope you enjoyed the wedding!
Hugs,
Peter
From: Mom
Dreading this afternoon's wedding a wee bit. However, I'm trying to take the advice I always gave you kids. In case you have forgotten, it is to always anticipate with hope the unexpected. I'll let you know how it goes.
Hugs,
Mom
Hugs,
Mom
To: Mom
From: Peter
Mom. Nice thought, but, in case you have forgotten, you have never once said that to either of us. I hope you enjoyed the wedding!
Hugs,
Peter
From: Mom
To: Peter
I never said that? In my head that's my classic "Momism." Could you indulge me in a little revisionist history here?
I never said that? In my head that's my classic "Momism." Could you indulge me in a little revisionist history here?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
