How Mom Wants to "Defrost" Frozen Shoulder

To: Sage

From: Mom

Subject: you promised

to help me put a nadine photo on my facebook home page.

to continue watching twin peaks with me on your computer that you hoard.

listen, mr. bigshot real estate mogul, i wouldn't want to resort to guilt because that's not what i'm all about. but as you know, i do have a frozen shoulder and that can easily lead to frozen torso, frozen legs, and frozen brain. i think with a little TLC from each of my children, maybe, just maybe, i can begin to defrost.

21st Birthday

To: Max

From: Mom

Plan on getting a phone call from me on your BIRTHDAY. Have a great weekend. Nothing stupid. Turning 21 is not a right-of-passage. It's just, unfortunately, another year older...and then older...and older. Until YOU'RE 57. Then you lose track of how old you are. (I honestly do.)

Will never forget the mad, scrunched-up punim on your face when you were born. You were SO PISSED at having been woken up. And you're no different now. I am convinced that baby's personalties are revealed at birth. Kate's face was awake, eyes open and looking all around, taking it all in. Very excited at having just discovered the world.

Love you........Mom

Tiger Woods

Me

I'm sorry...

Mom

You're like Tiger Woods. You're not sorry. You're sorry you got caught.

Matchmaker, Matchmaker

From: Mom
To: Anna

Dad is going to get some baseball equipment from Andrew in Hingham for the kids in the Dominican Republic. I told him to tell Andrew that you're ~single~ again...what a nice young man.

x0x0, your 'retarded' mother

From: Mom
To: Jon

jonny, so sorry....i'm such a RETARD (as sarah palin doesn't want me to say).....when i received your email it gives me a choice to open as a pdf file or a 'web page'......and i was clicking on the web page which really makes it look
weird.....so problem solved. much love from your technologically challenged mother. x0x0

My Dad Is Too Cool For School...and the M2 Lounge.

From: Dad

To: Me

From: Facebook

To: Dad

Sean invited you to "PEACEMARKET 2010"

Event: PEACEMARKET 2010 What: Benefit

Start time: March 10 at 7:00pm Where: M2 Lounge

Should I go?  I thought PeaceMarket 2009 was disappointing. Plus the M2 louge is  so 2008.

BEST OF: WE'RE NOT A FILL UP STATION

Check out the "BEST OF" EFMM, HERE!

From: Mom

To: Me
Subject: running on empty

hey, pals.

we're not a fill-up station. quit leaving the car in the driveway that's completely out of gas, and driving away with the one that's full.

if it's very low, please put at least SOME gas in the car before returning it to us.

SUPERBOWL SUNDAY: Text From Dad

From: Dad

To: JJ

me: Who r we routing for?

Dad: New orleans saints

me: Cuz of Kim Kardashian?

Dad: Bc of Katrina

me: That doesn't seem like a good enough reason

Dad: tis 4 me

Nadine/Please Don't Submit This to EFMM

From: Mom

To: Sage

can you help me? i want to have nadine's photo on my facebook page.
i have no idea how to do that.

(please don't submit this to "emails from my mother". for god's sake, i can't say or write ANYTHING anymore that's not being posted somewhere. i hate this century. i swear, i'm going to sue all of ya.)

mum

(Note. *Nadine=Twin Peaks)

Save Yourself the Trip Upstairs, Mom...

This is in response to me asking my mom to "keep me company," to which she responded "sorry, I'm watching a three-hour Office marathon." Keep in mind that I live at home, right upstairs from my mom's computer room.

From: Mom

To: Me

i didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Some Motherly Advice

From: Mom

To: ST

You really have the mouth of a sailor. And pick the clothes up off of your floor, you look like you live in a crack den.