From: Mom To: Me Steven's film is coming out in August! From: Me To: Mom No idea who you're talking about LOL From: Mom To: Me oh that's right you never met him. the other kids met him at the wedding. that was the time you posted a party invitation for our old house on facebook when you thought the rest of us would be in north carolina at the wedding but we found out about your plans and dad ended up staying home with you. steven is lynn's nephew. |
PARTY PLANS: FAIL
THE SLUTTY WHITE SHORTS CHRONICLES
From: Mom
To: Me
i love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.
mom.
To: Me
i love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.
mom.
From: Mom
To: Me
i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.
another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.
so don't tell me.
To: Me
i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.
another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.
so don't tell me.
i cannot tell a lie: kallie threw out the sluttywhiteshorts.
just kidding. i did. but, listen. think of the anguish and torment i went through before i did it. it was my own personalsophie's choice:
i had to temporarily lie to my daughter (and you KNOW i'm a big fan of truth), or else risk having something bad happen to her because she wouldn't stop wearing slutttywhiteshorts.
can you ever forgive me?
mom.
Browse through our entire "BEST OF EFMM" section HERE.
Floppy Disc
From: Mom
To: Kids
has anyone seen the floppy disc labeled "Winter Speech"
From: Mom
To: Kids
HELLO???????? ANYBODY????????
From: JJ
To: Mom
Sorry, I didn't respond because I thought that was a joke. Last time I saw a floppy disc I was eating baby food. So no, I haven't seen your FLOPPY DISC.
From: Mom
floppy disc, compact disc YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT. i need it ASAP.
From: Mom
THANK YOU ALL FOR RESPONDING TO ME. i found my disc and am not cooking dinner for anyone anymore.
Affirmations From Dad
From: JJ
To: Family
ENJOY!
From: Dad
I like my kids. I like my soulmate. I like my remote control. I'm done.
That was fun kneee.
The Lies of Facebook
To: Mom
Why did you delete your Facebook? Did it have anything to do with your account getting HACKED yesterday?
From: Mom
Urgent: Centipede Crisis
To: Mom
I saw a centipede last night. URGENT: we NEED to contact landlord for exterminator ASAP.
From: Mom
he's very nice. all hippies are.
good luck with your centipede witch hunt.
love,
mumz
YOU WON'T GET IT UNTIL IT BITES YOU IN THE ASS
From: Mom
To: Kids
i was thinking, since jolie is coming in for the wedding, and since sage won't be covered for dental insurance (or medical insurance) when he turns 26, and since chloe hasn't been to the dentist in a few months, why don't the three of you make an appt to see barry in august?
this is a good idea. listen to your mutha.
this is a good idea. listen to your mutha.
From: Sage
Chloe add this to the blog
From: Mom
it's not that my email said anything objectionable, but i don't understand why it would be put on any blog. one of these days you're going to be having what you think is a private conversation with a friend, and the next thing you know, your private conversation is posted on the internet for public amusement.
you won't get it until it bites you in the ass. i'll say it again: your generation does not respect boundaries.
you won't get it until it bites you in the ass. i'll say it again: your generation does not respect boundaries.
Happy Birthday, Iggy Pop
Mom: here's a good one; yesterday I was sitting at a light on Lee Hwy and an older man rolled down his window and asked if I could give him directions to get to North Carolina
I guess he thinks its a short drive
Nick: haha, you just stay on route 29, it goes all the way down to jacksonville florida
Mom: he's probably still driving saying; how long did that lady say we had to go until we got there?
the twins were 61 yesterday, i can't believe it
Nick: wowie, iggy pop is 63 today
hard to believe iggy pop is older than them!
Mom: yeah i know I sent him a card, it said hope you have an "iggy" birthday
Nick: thats awesome, custom made?
Mom: get it "icky" and iggy sound simiilar
no I found it at hallmark store in the iggy pop birthday card section
Nick: haaaaaaaa stop
Mom: okay...but I'm on a roll
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