THE SLUTTY WHITE SHORTS CHRONICLES

From: Mom
To: Me

i love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.

mom.

From: Mom
To: Me

i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.

another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.

so don't tell me.

From: Mom

To: Me

i cannot tell a lie: kallie threw out the sluttywhiteshorts.

just kidding. i did. but, listen. think of the anguish and torment i went through before i did it. it was my own personalsophie's choice:

i had to temporarily lie to my daughter (and you KNOW i'm a big fan of truth), or else risk having something bad happen to her because she wouldn't stop wearing slutttywhiteshorts.

can you ever forgive me?

mom.

Browse through our entire "BEST OF EFMM" section HERE.

Always My Favorite Shopping Assistant

From: Mom

To: Me

i want to help you go shopping for your trip to israel. i think a pair of jeans is a good staple to have with you. find out what the weather is like in may. you might need to bring some unslutty shorts. also, start breaking into those new sandals by walking around with them in socks. love you

MY MOM THROWS OUT THE SLUTTY WHITE SHORTS! AND COMPARES HER DECISION TO SOPHIE'S CHOICE

Subject: sluttywhiteshorts
From: Mom

To: Me

i cannot tell a lie: kallie threw out the sluttywhiteshorts.

just kidding. i did. but, listen. think of the anguish and torment i went through before i did it. it was my own personal sophie's choice:

i had to temporarily lie to my daughter (and you KNOW i'm a big fan of truth), or else risk having something bad happen to her because she wouldn't stop wearing slutttywhiteshorts.

can you ever forgive me?

mom.

letter from moody mother; more on the slutty white shorts

Subject: slutty white shorts and mood swings
From: Mom
To: Me

i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.

another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.

so don't tell me.

From: Mom
To: Me


i love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.

mom.