Tiny White Bowl That Sat Next to Tiny And Serious Chinese Man is Missing

From: Mom

To: Me

you asked me to describe the tiny white bowl that i've been looking for, for about a week now.  i can't think of any new way to describe it.  i'm thinking if you find a tiny white bowl, you won't be asking yourself if this is the one i'm referring to.   it's about the diameter of a quarter.

 

i always kept it on the shelf in the bathroom, on top of the little rock where that tiny and serious chinese man is sitting with folded legs.  don't mock me.  i think the tiny and serious chinese man was originally an ornament for a bonsai plant we couldn't keep alive.  i have no idea where the tiny white bowl came from, but it just looked right, sitting beside the tiny and serious chinese man. 

 

so please let me know if you find it.

 

mom

Germs

From: JS
To: Mom


FYI, I sneezed on the blanket on the couch by accident. dunno if u wanted to wash it or not.  Also, the remotes may or may not be covered in germs. 

From: Mom

To: JS

oh, don't be silly.  why would i want to wash the blanket that now has your wet flu germs all over it?

 

does it please you to be disgusting?  this is right up there with your brother saying he doesn't believe in bacteria.

Four-Year-Old Puppet Makes Art

From: Me

To: Family

THIS is ridiculous.

From: Dad

I’m pretty sure it’s not a 4 year old but a puppet… and the parents are probably artists (con artists) and the paint was photoshopped.  This art video is weirder than the republican debates.

A Bunch of Crap?

From Mom:

To: Family

I saw this quote today from Mother Teresa:

"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotton that we belong to each other."

My wish: nobody's rolling their eyes and saying "what a bunch of crap."

VOICEMAIL FROM DAD

Lesbihonest, Aunt Alice Was A Lesbian

From: JJ

To:  The Fam

I thought I might see Aunt Alice on THIS list. 

From: SJ

too lazy to open the link. is it top 10 lesbians or something?

From: Mom

okay.  let's get the record straight.  my beloved aunt alice (RIP) was NOT a lesbian.  though there is nothing wrong with being a lesbian.  though my aunt alice may have thought something would be wrong with being a lesbian.  but she would be wrong.

i miss my aunt alice.  she was such a nice heterosexual.

From: SJ

did you see her haircut, mom?  lesbihonest, aunt alice was a lesbian. bless her lesbian soul.

From: Mom

no, aunt alice wasn't a lesbian.

by the way, i'm feeling very guilty now.  this started when you three were young and used to say "that's so gay" and i would reply, "you KNOW, aunt alice is a lesbian. there's nothing wrong with being gay!"  i made it up.  out of the blue.  she isn't alive and i'm feeling disrespectful now, both to my aunt and to the gay community.  can we please move on?

brother, the more i talk about it, the more legs this thing gets... 

Pro-Date, Pro-Occupy!

To: Dad
From: CJ

Read the articles below on dates.  They should be an official staple of our shopping lists from now on!  


To: CJ
From: Dad


I am pro-date (tho not eharmony.com), pro-fig, and pro-Occupy everything! 

You Go Girl!

[In response to me winning a costume contest dressed as Amy Winehouse]:


To: Demi
From: Mom

Go girl. you saw it, believed it and you did it!

VOICEMAIL: "you're starting to look like a dyke"

See the entire "BEST OF' collection HERE.