ETSY BOWLS, GIMME GIMME GIMME

From: Mom
To: Sage

i want my etsy bowls!  i want my etsy bowls!

Centipede Leaves a Note

To: Mom

fyi the pillow on the floor in the livingroom probably has a dead centipede under it. i saw ANOTHER one and it was the only thing in reach. afraid to move it in case centipede is still alive. ewww ewww ewww

From: Mom

dad lifted the pillow.  no centipede was there.  but he left a note.  said he is hurt that you have not made him feel welcome in your home.  and that it was his home first.  and that he's hoping you can become friends in the future.  he suggested maybe you could get together for a drink in cambridge.  he also said that it is not easy to have been born with a hundred legs.  that he tries to accept it but the jokes still sting.  he said he's disappointed that you, of all people, aren't more accepting.

< 3

Me:first you have to type a < then 3 and it looks like a heart. kind of.

Dad (on g chat): ♥ ???

Me: nice!

Dad: How the fuck did it turn over and turn red???

(NEW!) BEST OF: Do Not Post About Your Boobs on Facebook

From: Mom

To: LS

You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday, and/or trying to make contacts in Europe with adults who might employ you. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on facebook. I'm serious. AND DO NOT SEND THIS TO EFMM! Or, if you want to, go right ahead, maybe it will give some other young women good advice! OY. You don't see guys putting posts out there about how they wish their penises were bigger, do you? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN READ FACEBOOK, and it makes you sound dumb and like a young woman with low self-esteem. How about a quotation about a favorite piece of artwork instead? Okay, I'm done now. 

Love, your feminist since 8th grade wise and smart mother!!!!!!

The Trash Goddess

From: Dad
To: Landlord


CC: Family




In response to your email about recyclables, where does the glass go?




From: Landlord
To: Dad


Glass, plastic and metal cans all go together.




From: Mom
To: Dad


i know i have been away for a while.  but excuse me.  i am the trash goddess.  in the future, please direct all your trash and recycle queries to ME.

it's a matter of respect.




From: Dad
To: Mom




Trash goddess? Maybe you should tour with Charlie Sheen.  I'll back off on all future garbage initiatives.

Mother/Daughter Chat Syllabus

From: Mom
To: Me


my little munchkin, when are we going to have a lovely mother/daughter chat?  after seeing grandma tonight, i'm having dinner with ellen so could we have a lovely mother/daughter chat tomorrow?

topics to be covered:

the importance of condoms
the importance of sobriety
the importance of voting
the importance of taking a shower
the importance of not dressing like a slut
the importance of sharing your private life with your mother

Lean Cuisines

From: Mom
To: Family


Subject: don't eat lean cuisine's spaghetti and meatball dinner




for those of you who still eat lean cuisine, their spaghetti and meatball dinner has been recalled.

Funemployment

From: Dad

To: SJ

Subject:  ADP shows 217,000 private-sector jobs added in Feb.

Good time to hit the market...things are picking up.

From: SJ

To: Dad

Thanks DAD. WORK IS ON THE WAY!!! although I just got my first response back from an employer.  They are from Africa and want me to give them my social security and $150 for a credit report before they interview me :/

From: Dad

To: SJ 

I like your can do attitude!!!!!!!

GET THIS FUCKING CAT OFF MY HEAD

so i had this dream last night. i was alone in this office and this woman comes in with her kids. i thought she must've been the boss' wife, though she didn't say so. there was a large porcelain orange cat right where they came in, and one of her kids started freaking out. i said, "it's not real, it's not real." then the mom said the same thing to reassure the kid and he calmed down. but then a real cat in the same orange colour was standing right in front of me. i thought it came in with the family. it had an attack look in its eyes. i was so scared and then it jumped on my head. it was making horrible sounds, like it was about to maim me, and the woman just walked around the office non-chalantly while her cat was planning on killing me. so i started screaming at her, "GET THIS FUCKING CAT OFF MY HEAD!"
afterwards, still in the dream, i was talking to other people about the incident, saying things like, "it was okay that i was angry, right? she should've taken the cat off my head right away, right?"
so hunny, what do you think?