MY MOM THROWS OUT THE SLUTTY WHITE SHORTS! AND COMPARES HER DECISION TO SOPHIE'S CHOICE

Subject: sluttywhiteshorts
From: Mom

To: Me

i cannot tell a lie: kallie threw out the sluttywhiteshorts.

just kidding. i did. but, listen. think of the anguish and torment i went through before i did it. it was my own personal sophie's choice:

i had to temporarily lie to my daughter (and you KNOW i'm a big fan of truth), or else risk having something bad happen to her because she wouldn't stop wearing slutttywhiteshorts.

can you ever forgive me?

mom.

letter from moody mother; more on the slutty white shorts

Subject: slutty white shorts and mood swings
From: Mom
To: Me

i will give you ten dollars if you let me throw out your slutty white shorts.

another thing. you accuse me of mood swings. but you didn't spend your evening cleaning out cat shit from three litter boxes of the cats that are supposedly your daughter's. and then after you brought all the trash to the curb, your husband didn't inform you that he stepped in dog shit and it got embedded into the soles of his sneakers that have a million tiny little grooves. and while you're having a little hissy fit, you didn't hear your rich next door neighbors in their yard, being all happy and perfect, speaking to each other sensibly and calmly, even the kids.

so don't tell me.

My Dad & Craigslist

This is from my dad. i'm trying to sublet my apartment and my dad, since it is his BLING is really pushing it. But I never have luck on Craigslist, especially when trying to sublet an apartment. It's always people who speak in broken english. One guy asked me if his family of 5 could fit in the room. My dad is so persistant with trying to sublet, he's like "what's wrong with that!? Show it tomorrow!"


(ORIGINAL MESSAGE):

FWD TO: DAD

From: yichin
To: Me
Subject: $700 / 1br UTILITIES INCLUDED! SUBLET ASAP (Allston)

daer there,

I'm interested in your room, can i ask the gender of the two other roommates? and which floor is it? I'm also in hury.

Pls reply me asap.

yichin


To: Dad

From: Me

SEE dad, these are the type of people that respond to ads in Allston!


To: Me
From: Dad

What’s wrong with those questions? I suggest you answer asap and I can be there when you show the apt.

-Dad


What's wrong with those questions? What's wrong is that she forgot a few words in her email. What's wrong is that she starts her email with "daer there."

Emails from YOUR mother

If you have any emails from YOUR mother that are worthy of sharing, by all means send m e an email so I can post it!

Sauced?

From: Mom

Date:
Sun, 22 Jun 2008 5:37 pm

two things.

first, is "sauced" a good thing or a bad thing?

second, to celebrate my birthday, i would like the five of us to spend four days in new york city doing stuff i like, like maybe a broadway play and eating green jello at stage deli. dad and i are thinking we'd like to do this thursday..................

mom.

From: Mom
To: Me


i love you so much, and i think you're beautiful. so i hope you don't take this the wrong way: please stop wearing those slutty white shorts.

mom.

WE'RE NOT A FILL UP STATION.

From: Mom

To: Me
Subject: running on empty

hey, pals.

we're not a fill-up station. quit leaving the car in the driveway that's completely out of gas, and driving away with the one that's full.

if it's very low, please put at least SOME gas in the car before returning it to us.

MY MOM on Emails From My Mother

From: Mom

dahlink,

yesterday i was bored so i googled my own name. lo and behold, there was that blog that you said you'd deleted.

i'm afraid you're a dentist and a republican.

NO YARD SALE AT MY HOUSE!

From: Mom

To: Me
Re: i love you!

THERE WILL BE NO YARD SALE AT MY HOUSE.

I WILL NOT GIVE OUT ANY MORE EXPLANATIONS. NEITHER OF YOU LISTENS TO THEM.

THERE IS NO YARD SALE. LEAVE ME ALONE.

words that come to mind: [incredibly] spoiled, [incredibly] rude, [incredibly] disrespectful, [incredibly] immature, [incredibly] annoying, [incredibly] ungrateful, [incredibly] inconsiderate, [incredibly] selfish.