From: Mom
To: Family
I need a word of support. I'm not having a good day. I'm at work and my linen shirt is extremely wrinkled. I've seen many others wear linen and they all look okay. Also, my lipstick faded and my lips look like two dead grey fish. Also, i washed my hands and didn't notice all the water on the side of the sink and now my wrinkled shirt is very wet and it looks like perhaps I had an accident. Also everyone here doesn't seem to realize how wonderful I am.
From: Dad
To: Family
Linen schlinen, you are the best…the most honest person on this planet (haven’t been to other planets so can’t comment on them)…our moral compass who keeps us all doing the right thing…the most gorgeous woman I know even when lipstick fades. BTW, keep looking at your co-workers someone - must have fading lipstick.
A Relationship With Your Peace Lily
I asked my Mom how to properly care for my new plant:
From: Mom
To: Me
i would get the soil very wet and let it drain. just observe it as you do it. and make sure you don't water it again too soon. eventually, you and your peace lily will have a deep relationship; she will let you know when to water her, and in gratitude she will continue to bloom and be healthy. (what am i saying? why am i talking like that?)
From: Mom
To: Me
i would get the soil very wet and let it drain. just observe it as you do it. and make sure you don't water it again too soon. eventually, you and your peace lily will have a deep relationship; she will let you know when to water her, and in gratitude she will continue to bloom and be healthy. (what am i saying? why am i talking like that?)
You Should Shave...
From: Mom
To: Me
it is my opinion that you should shave under your arms for your last day of work.
To: Me
it is my opinion that you should shave under your arms for your last day of work.
love,
mom
But I'm Not Like That...
From: Mom
To: Me
remember to vote in this tuesday's primary for mass. senate seat. if i was a controlling type of mother i would say, "of course you're voting for markey, right?" but i'm not like that.
mum
To: Me
remember to vote in this tuesday's primary for mass. senate seat. if i was a controlling type of mother i would say, "of course you're voting for markey, right?" but i'm not like that.
mum
This Request Is So Old
From: Mom
To: Me
dear adult children,
To: Me
dear adult children,
whichever one of you has the visitor parking pass, please return it. jesus. this request is so old. i may die from boredom.
Instead of Keeping It Rolled Up in a Ball...
another free suggestion. just in case you have to wear your sport jacket ever again, instead of keeping it rolled up in a ball on your bed, try hanging it up in the closet conveniently located in your bedroom.
mom
I Just Watched "GIRLS"...
From: Mom
i just watched "girls." can't anyone be happy on that show for more than five minutes? i wanted adam and nathalia to be a happy couple. and why does hannah have to be so repulsive?
i just watched "girls." can't anyone be happy on that show for more than five minutes? i wanted adam and nathalia to be a happy couple. and why does hannah have to be so repulsive?
Your Hideous Green Winter Jacket
From: Mom
To: Me
it's way past the acceptable time for me to tell you what you shouldn't wear.
however. i'm sitting in the dining room and on the chair next to me is your hideous green winter jacket. it is totally ripped at the seam and the stuffing is all exposed.
my question is: how can you ask me if it is appropriate to wear uggs in your office, and yet have no problem showing up at work wearing that rag/jacket, looking like a street urchin?
To: Me
it's way past the acceptable time for me to tell you what you shouldn't wear.
however. i'm sitting in the dining room and on the chair next to me is your hideous green winter jacket. it is totally ripped at the seam and the stuffing is all exposed.
my question is: how can you ask me if it is appropriate to wear uggs in your office, and yet have no problem showing up at work wearing that rag/jacket, looking like a street urchin?
I Haven't Been The Same
From: Mom
To: Me
so sorry if i seem a bit irritable and sullen lately.
i haven't been the same since i lost my hat.
mom
To: Me
so sorry if i seem a bit irritable and sullen lately.
i haven't been the same since i lost my hat.
mom
Never Say Never
From: Dad
To: Family
“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”–Albert Einstein
From: Sage
To: Family
“I'm telling you, people. Everyday we wake up is another blessing. Follow your dreams and don't let anyone stop you. Never say never.” -Justin Bieber
From: Dad
To: Family
Please Justin Bieber, let me say never just once
To: Family
“Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding.”–Albert Einstein
From: Sage
To: Family
“I'm telling you, people. Everyday we wake up is another blessing. Follow your dreams and don't let anyone stop you. Never say never.” -Justin Bieber
From: Dad
To: Family
Please Justin Bieber, let me say never just once
Emails From Jack Uzi's Mother
Dear Jack Uzi,
I'm so proud you are finally so famous. I see you on the net recently, I knew my baby boy would grow up to be greatest rollerblader ever. You look beautiful, and body is great. Have you talked to Father recently? He would be so proud of your moves. Any ladies would be happy to have you wake up with them. We miss you, I wish internet would allow me to hand you borscht. I see you in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?
love very much, come home soon, keep wind at your back,
-Mama Uzi
Your Sorry Bank Accounts...
Hi Boys,
I transferred $25 into each of your sorry bank accounts. This one is on me. $1 and change and $4 and change? really, boys?…. Please try to keep them over $25. you know how I worry about fees.
Alex – thanks for getting Philip today. Bring your dry cleaning.
Jeff – Do I have all of your dry cleaning?
Love you both,
Mom.
I transferred $25 into each of your sorry bank accounts. This one is on me. $1 and change and $4 and change? really, boys?…. Please try to keep them over $25. you know how I worry about fees.
Alex – thanks for getting Philip today. Bring your dry cleaning.
Jeff – Do I have all of your dry cleaning?
Love you both,
Mom.
What Are You Doing November 6th?
From: Mom
Subject: hey! what are you doing november 6th?
Subject: hey! what are you doing november 6th?
to all you young women out there.
only eleven days until the election. we know you support obama, but some of us are more than a little concerned that you won't translate this into the verb of voting; that although you know there's much at stake, somehow it all seems abstract to you.
THIS ELECTION IS SO MUCH MORE THAN HAVING ACCESS TO THE MORNING-AFTER PILL (NOT TO MENTION THE EVENING-BEFORE PILL). ALONG WITH AFFORDABLE HEALTH CARE, YOUR RIGHT TO CHOICES MAY VERY WELL VANISH.
you have to vote. you have to vote. you have to vote. you have to vote. you have to vote. how can you not vote? come on. this is so IMPORTANT. come on. why am i so worried about you? YOU HAVE TO VOTE. PLEASE. TELL ME YOU'LL VOTE. YOU THINK I LIKE NAGGING LIKE THIS?
promise me. sign your name and promise me you'll vote. you won't be sorry. in fact, you'll be the opposite of sorry, which is (wait, what is the opposite of sorry); whatever, you will be happy.
THE EVANGELICALS ARE NOT NOISY BUT THEY WILL COME OUT IN DROVES. WILL YOU COME OUT IN DROVES TOO?
|
BEST OF: DO NOT POST ABOUT YOUR BOOBS ON FACEBOOK!
One of my favorites from EFMM's "BEST OF." See the full collection here.
From: Mom
To: LS
You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on Facebook. I'm serious. AND DO NOT SEND THIS TO EFMM! Or, if you want to, go right ahead, maybe it will give some other young women good advice! OY. You don't see guys putting posts out there about how they wish their penises were bigger, do you? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN READ FACEBOOK, and it makes you sound dumb and like a young woman with low self-esteem. How about a quotation about a favorite piece of artwork instead? Okay, I'm done now.
From: Mom
To: LS
You are almost 24 and getting a master's and might be looking for a job someday. I REALLY don't think, for the sake of your own self-esteem first of all, and second of all for your resume and for whoever you might want to take you seriously, that you should put posts about your boobs on Facebook. I'm serious. AND DO NOT SEND THIS TO EFMM! Or, if you want to, go right ahead, maybe it will give some other young women good advice! OY. You don't see guys putting posts out there about how they wish their penises were bigger, do you? YOU NEVER KNOW WHO CAN READ FACEBOOK, and it makes you sound dumb and like a young woman with low self-esteem. How about a quotation about a favorite piece of artwork instead? Okay, I'm done now.
Love, your feminist since 8th grade wise and smart mother!!!!!!
The Daily Obama Nag
From: Mom
To: Me
this is so serious. think of what a romney presidency would mean for you.
YOU CAN'T JUST SUPPORT OBAMA. YOU MUST GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE FOR OBAMA ON ELECTION DAY. GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE. GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE. FOR OBAMA. ON ELECTION DAY.
YOU'RE TEARING OUT MY KISHKAS. YOU MUST GO OUT OF YOUR HOUSE AND VOTE. ON ELECTION DAY. FOR OBAMA.
TAPE A NOTE TO YOUR REFRIGERATOR:
"REMINDER: NOVEMBER 6TH YOU HAVE TO PUT SOME CLOTHES ON, THEN GO OUT OF THE HOUSE TO YOUR POLLING PLACE AND WHEN YOU GET THERE, VOTE FOR OBAMA.
I'M NOT A NAG. I AM JUST VERY CONCERNED THAT YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THE STAKES.
The Doody Emporium
Sage:
just saw a news headline that read "worker dies in tuna plant". i can't imagine a worse place to die than a tuna plant, jesus.
just saw a news headline that read "worker dies in tuna plant". i can't imagine a worse place to die than a tuna plant, jesus.
Dad:
Maybe the doody emporium is a worse place
Ghosts in Our Bathroom
From: JJ
To: Family
The frame on the top shelf in the kitchen just FELL DOWN RANDOMLY!!! creepy. i think we have ghosts?
From: Dad
I have ghosts in our bathroom and they are very helpful - one hands me the toilet paper, the other flushes the toilet...just like casper the friendly ghost.
From: Mom
That's why I married you!
To: Family
The frame on the top shelf in the kitchen just FELL DOWN RANDOMLY!!! creepy. i think we have ghosts?
From: Dad
I have ghosts in our bathroom and they are very helpful - one hands me the toilet paper, the other flushes the toilet...just like casper the friendly ghost.
From: Mom
That's why I married you!
I Had an X-Ray Today and They Found You In My Heart
A friend of mine posted a really sweet quote that her 10-year old daughter texted her. So I emailed it to my mom...
To: Mom
From: Me
I had an x-ray today and they found you in my heart. They said I couldn't take you out because I would die without someone like you in my life....
From: Mom
To: Mom
From: Me
I had an x-ray today and they found you in my heart. They said I couldn't take you out because I would die without someone like you in my life....
From: Mom
To: Me
Did the doctors freak out and ask why there was a 64-year old woman in your heart?
My Dad's Band or Gangnam Style?
Note: My Dad created a band called "The Space Mutants" about 30 years ago. They have a rockopera recorded on a cassette somewhere.
To: Dad
From: Me
From: Dad
To: Me
Was that from the space mutant concert? Btw I saw Peter in the crowd.
To: Dad
From: Me
From: Dad
To: Me
Was that from the space mutant concert? Btw I saw Peter in the crowd.
That Bitch's Picture...
Asking advice from mom. By "homepage" she means Facebook...
From: Anonymous Mom
i think it makes sense to start fresh and see where it goes. if you start with demands of "did you miss me like i missed you" or "how could you do this to me" or "how could you post that bitch's picture on your home page"; if you go this route, i'm thinking you wouldn't be giving this a fair shot.
love,
mom
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